United States of Motherhood: The Hunt for The Elusive Suburban Flamingo Husband

Sunday, April 13, 2008

The Hunt for The Elusive Suburban Flamingo Husband

If you want to do something like watch movies during spring break, don't ever let your son purchase Super Smash Brothers for Wii.

First off, you will see your first born turn into a drooling, zombie like creature who is unresponsive to calls of nature--you know hunger, thirst, one's bladder.

This same creature, you know the one who daily swims 3000-4000 meters in a pool as well as running hills for 30 minutes, will suddenly complain loudly the next day at swim practice of the pain of stiff forearms, kinked fingers, aching wrists. Yes, all Wii-indicative injuries.


What's worst is your baby will become a Wii-sighted changeling. As in his eyes are so glued, so magnetized to the screen that all other orifices malfunction. Ears become clogged. Mouth becomes mute. Even smells that illicit drools become moot in his immune nose. He has become a Wii-pod.

But worse yet, one's supposed adult husband suddenly starts referring to himself as in the know about gaming circles. He reverts to being a pimply faced, slack jawed, pursed lipped,greasy haired video gamer. And he takes this pose for hour upon hour without so much as a twitch:

Yes, my friends, the elusive suburban husband flamingo lives.

Luckily, myself and my young daughter are immune to the wii-itis effects. Nope, she read her book in disdain and I just bitched in my head.

I might have to get a Nerf gun and put down those flamingoes, zombies, and changelings so I can watch Top Chef on Tivo.

Damn you, Wii. Damn you, Nintendo.


Beau said...

You should check out TivoToGo, so you can watch the Tivo recorded shows on you your computer!

And that pose has taken me to 22 victories, unlocked the first two special characters, all the first time I played. My focus is intense.

carrie said...

Hey, I have one of those flamingo husbands at my house too!

Lori said...

I have different but similar species housed in my zoo.
The first is the crouching husband ape, who sits at the home PC, immersed in the Pirates of the Caribbean online game. Occasionally utters grunts, but only when poked.
The other two are smaller house monkeys, who each have their own same-sex tribe that visits often. They exibit primative worshipping at the alter of Playstation SingStar.
The smaller monkeys will immediately cease their ritual singing when the zookeeper enters their enclosure. (the family room)
Of course, the zookeeper is completely without her own electronic addictions. (Ahem)
Unless you consider blogging...

Lori said...

I forgot I was going to sign my comment ...

Luscious Lori Ramblesalotta

Because oh my GAWD do I love that!

Erik said...

heh, somehow that seems like the right posture for gaming-Boh...

I'm just happy that I still haven't succumbed back to the retro-teenage-gamer that everybody else I work with is (okay, I own a PS2, but I only turn it on about thrice-yearly).

Whatever you do, don't let him discover WoW.

Ann(ie) said...

HA! You crack me up. I have one of them flamingo's, too!!!! We should send them all out for beers and have a girlie wine and Tivo night!!!!

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