What's Grosser Than Gross?!
"What's grosser than gross?" She asks with hysterical voice. Where to start? Oh, where to start?!
First, let me place a warning here and now that this post is not for the squeamish or Helen or anyone who is OCD. You will be permanently, irrevocably mentally scarred.
So stop reading already, m'kay?
So stop reading already, m'kay?
Right-o. Disclaimer out of the way, let's have some background. It was my turn for kinder playgroup last week. Four six-year-old boys. Yay, me!
So, we had fun making sandwiches, playing games, etc., as usual. Then, one of the boys left to use the bathroom. He was gone a very long time.
I mean a very long time.
Finally, his head popped up again and we went back to playing Sponge Bob Game of Life. I did check to make sure he washed his hands as I don't trust any boy under the age of 10 15 50 68 to wash their hands.
Hands free of detritus?
Check.
Damp hands indicative of water used?
Check.
Smell of soap?
Check.
Golden!
After a while, it was time to take the boys home. Ah, another successful playgroup. Check. Then we went to swim practice.
It wasn't until after dinner that night that I found it....
A brown schmear the entire length of the toilet seat. "Chocolate Pudding"on the faucet handle. Poopy juice on the counters in the grout. Brown stains on my hand towels.
To be honest, I freaked the hell out. I had smelled those hands. Gag!
Out came the institutional grade bleach. Lysol. Disinfectants. Room deodorizers. All surfaces were scrubbed.
I was disgusted. These are school age kids that will be in 1st grade in three months! Is it wrong to think he knows how to wipe? Is it wrong to think if he made a mess, he might want to mention it to a Mom that has been nothing but caring and compassionate to him all year long?! I mean, shit happens, but tell someone, please. He had to know I would notice? And! Is it only me that as a Mommy, my children's poop doesn't bother so much, but other kids' poop freaks me out?
So I madly cleaned and now, a week later, it was put to the back of my mind.
Except, you'll recall the title of this post...
Last night, I was using the bathroom. No surprise with my weak bladder!The toilet paper cardboard roll was there with not a shred of toilet paper on it. Again, no surprise in this family! As usual, I am the only one who replaces the toilet paper. Everybody else puts the roll on the back of the toilet rather than taking the 30 seconds to remove empty roll and replace. Can I tell you how maddening that is!?!
Anyhoo, as I remove the roll, I see a massive, suspiciously brown streak of crud behind the roll. At least 3 inches long. The entire inward circle of built in toilet paper roll dispenser.
No freaking way! There was a one inch wide, crusty smear. The kid must have been reaching for toilet paper with Gah! Gah! Gah!
I shrieked and CG came running. My mind went to all the times over the last week that we had used to toilet paper and the roll brushing up against that crusty smear putting feces on every piece of toilet paper used. My babies had foreign fecal matter on their behinds. I had foreign fecal matter on me with every spin of that toilet paper roll.
Absolute dry heaving hit. Yes, my friends, grosser than gross.
Then, CG hit the jackpot. He said don't worry about the wiping with soiled toilet paper. Nope! Worry about all the times this week that we used the toilet paper to blow our noses. I and he and our progeny might as well have had our noses up some kid's bottom. Call us the brown-nosers!
Then, CG hit the jackpot. He said don't worry about the wiping with soiled toilet paper. Nope! Worry about all the times this week that we used the toilet paper to blow our noses. I and he and our progeny might as well have had our noses up some kid's bottom. Call us the brown-nosers!
He won! Hands down! Grossest of all.
God help me. I am scarred for life. And now, my friends, I shared the love. You'll never look at chocolate pudding or spin your toilet roll the same again.
**Photos by Jocelyn McAuliflower and by whizchickenonabun and by YanivG
10 Witty Comments For Me:
So I'm probably naive, but how did he achieve this? I mean, WHAT? Even if you *wanted* to do this, it would be difficult.
And at 6? I know babies are that bad, but 6?
*Ra ra ra* I can't hear you.
I um think that maybe this is one of those signs of a serial killer or something. Because that has to be IMPOSSIBLE. Even my autistic 4 year old can wipe his own butt without problems.
(um, and Annie sent me here, before our Bloggy meetup)
I can beat anyone at whats grosser than gross!
Bring it!
The competition, not the gross stuff.
You guys are funny.
I think he must have had wet poop and missed wiping the first time which infected hands and caused more wiping and touching surfaces with poopy hands.
I really don't want to believe he did it on purpose. He's a little more socially immature than the other boys, so I'm guessing he might still get "assistance" at home.
At 6-1/2 years old, that seems odd, but better than thinking it was on purpose, yes?
Still a shitty thing to do to not mention it though.
And it sucked to clean up almost as much as the time my good friend had me watch her kids--one of which I later found out had been having uncontrollable diarrhea.
I took him to a community playgroup and he shat a 15 foot (no exageration)stream across the whole children's room. I got such evil looks from the other moms--like I would bring a kid sick to class if I knew--and spent the next hour with crap all over my new shoes, in my nails, etc.
I mopped. I bagged soiled clothes. After cleaning him up with no extra clothes. Then I got to put him in my new car with leather seats, hoping with only a spare pair of underwear on his naked body, that he wouldn't have an accident in my car. All this while controlling my own 4 year old, my friend's 4 year old, my 2 year old, and the mad shitting 2 year old.
Fun times, my friends. My friend never admitted he had been sick.
The 2 year old and his 4 year old sister though told me the night before he had had wet poopy on the carpet, in the bathtub, on the bathroom rug, and in his bed.
Nice friends, eh?
This was also the friend that brought the kids to my house (I agreed to watch them for the summer since her babysitter sister-in-law quit and she was the main income earner of the family) with full-on pinkeye infecting both kids' eyes. It spread and then we spent a summer of it bouncing back and forth between the kids. I was thinking it was no surprise the sister-in-law quit.
I was ok, until you put up the pudding picture. Mmm Hmmm. Thanks.
Anyway- you must have come around after this:
http://imhelendt.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!80A987C7370420AB!1895.entry
and this: http://imhelendt.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!80A987C7370420AB!2047.entry
Okay, I read the disclaimer. But I thought "how bad could it really be? I read Avitable." But I do listen to his disclaimers.
I will listen to yours from now on..
(still gagging)
You win. I do not have a story as gross as this, although I do celebrate my fart bubbles during hydro colon therapy.
Oh dear...
Found you at the 6/10 edition of Five Star Friday. :)
Okay THAT was GROSS, but a little funny, too! Thanks for the giggle...I think.
Ewwwwww!
If he had such a hard time cleaning up, did you think some of it might have gotten on his clothes and spread around the house? How long did he stay in the house after the trip to the toilet? Where did he sit? What did he leave for his mom to clean up when he got home? I'm cringing over here.
Post a Comment