United States of Motherhood: How Many Espresso Cups Does one Grown Metrosexual Need?

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

How Many Espresso Cups Does one Grown Metrosexual Need?

It is a little know fact that my husband hearts Williams-Sonoma over Playboy. So, no, he doesn't read playboy, but whoo-ey boy, does he get excited for the William-Sonoma catalog when it comes in the mail.

Along with this excitement for culinary tools (which, honestly, I share, but I'm a girl so it's whore-moan-ally destined), is his love for espresso.

It started one fateful holiday season when I decided to buy his ungodly expensive $1000 espresso machine.

Gasp! I know. Be assured, my friends, I hadn't totally lost my rocker. I had done the math of Starbucks costs versus machine. I also managed to get acquainted with someone with a Williams-Sonoma discount. FORTY PERCENT, people. Get hither and find yourself a William-Sonoma/Pottery Barn (they're the same thing) contact immediately because that shit is cute, but over-priced. Everybody does it.

So I purchased the machine (with CG's knowledge that it was a holiday gift) for $600. I handed cash to a friend of a friend. All good. Then suddenly he wouldn't give the receipt over for fear of "being fired." I started to think later that he might have stolen it, but chose to not know those deets.

However I will tell you that I was hellaciously pissed because I wanted the warranty that comes with W-S. Did you know that warranty covers all their stuff FOR LIFE? As in, you break tip off Henkels-Sprenjels $300 knife? Totally your fault. It's covered. Cuisinart Blender goes kaput? Just take it in. Everything with a no fault policy. Dude, if the machine broke that day of Christmas, we would be out SIX HUNDRED GREENBACKS and have no espresso?

So, how does one get this receipt when it's bought under the table? Friend of friend had disappeared with the cash. We used our little thinking caps. and come up with a game of nutshells. We returned the original without receipt with long story of poor grandma out of state and got store credit. Then we went to another store two cities away and purchased it with the credit. See! We were now owners of a machine with full price receipt.

So wrong, I know that, but again did I mention that shit was over-priced? Did I mention this was in the stupid and poor early years of our marriage? Call it creative haggling and if anyone from Williams-Sonoma is reading this, I am so totally making this up for a humorous vignette. Nothing more, m'kay? Not a shred of truth in these words.

So, five years later, said machine breaks. And guess who can't find that receipt that was so artfully ill-gotten? Me. Now we live in a different state. Now we have a mortgage that surpasses most people's monthly salary. We can't afford a new machine and CG is fixin'. Espresso is my husband's crack.

So, I call Williams-Sonoma and they say bring it in. They didn't carry the model anymore, but they could do some research and give me the last price of the machine before it was discounted. Crapsticks. I was sure it was marked down for clearance at $99 to clear shelves. Still! That was better than nothing. I guess I hadn't needed that damned receipt anyways.

It turns out last price was $950 for this base model, so without receipt or any knowledge we didn't buy this machine at a yard sale, they gave CG a credit. Better than that? They had realized their shit was expensive and the new base model was $600, so CG upgraded to the nicer stainless steel model with no cost to us.

Better yet? It seems our machine had been recalled years before because it had become a flaming fireball. It had burned houses down. Whew! Super scary. We so dodged that bullet. Satan must have a special place in his heart for us and our dodgy espresso machine acquiring ways.

Best yet? They gave us another receipt and CG sips away with pinky extended.

Before you think we will burn in hell. We regularly support W-S by buying $20 in cleaning tablets and $14 filters every 2-3 months for the machine. This doesn't include CG going to their Sunday morning cooking classes with a resulting unneeded gadget purchased or I shit you not, $30 6 ounce demi-glace base or $20 only so-so basting sauce. I guess we are more than making up for our wrong, eh?


Zuper Zee said...


I once bought my dishes there and they were on sale and several pieces were broken. They told me to keep what I had received and sent me a whole new set! For FREE! I got 2 sets of dishes for the sale price of ONE!

Yep, I heart W-S completely.

Scout's Honor said...

That rocks. See it's that kind of customer service that earns my loyalty. Plus can I say I love their sale table in the back. I bought $300 hand quilted runner there for $15. How can you go wrong?

Beau said...

Hey, the cleaning tabs are $20 for a year. And think of the savings! Espresso every morning would entail a drive to Starbucks or a bike ride... Now theres an idea.

Whit said...

I was shopping around for an espresso machine and didn't want to rush into it (as you know it's a big purchase) so I bought a stove-top 8oz thing for about twenty bucks to tide me over. That was two years ago and I still love it.

carrie said...

OMG - You're soooo keeping it real. I love this story.

And you know, fessing up will help you avoid being hit by that karma bus my friend!

So, when am I coming over for coffee? ;)

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