I Hate Myself as a Mother Right Now
He's lucky to have a big brother looking after him because his mother is useless...I thought he had him. He thought I had him.
Turns out he was sleeping in unusually late.
He was left by himself in an empty house for 45 minutes this morning. I didn't realize until 20 minutes into the commute to get my eldest to swim practice that I wasn't sure who had him.
CG had taken PB to her early morning practice before we woke up. I called him in a panic and confirmed my fantastically huge error.
Yes, I am a fucktard mom. It's official. I could claim lack of sleep with an average of 3 hours a night this week. I could talk about being sick, but they are all excuses for something unexcusable.
I called home in a panic, hoping he'd pick up the phone, but no one answered. I tried over and over.
I hoped he'd still be asleep when I arrived home, but before I could get my keys out on the front porch, the lock clicked and the door opened.
Two teary, wounded blue eyes looked up at me in betrayal and then he crumpled into me. His little pudgy arms encircled my legs like they would never let go.
He made gaspy breaths.
His chest shuddered.
"Mommy, I was scared. I looked in every room for you."
My heart crushed. Yes, I left my little six year old boy entirely by himself while both CG and I were over 20 miles away.
My stomach churns as I think what could have happened. Fire. Burgulars. Accidents. Injuries.
I hate myself as a mother right now.
I live for my kids and, right now, I could just die for what I did. The guilt consumes me.
8 Witty Comments For Me:
{{{{{HUGE HUGS}}}}}
Don't beat yourself up too much! Everyone is human! I'm so glad to hear he is ok!
I truely believe everything happens for a reason so try to look for the silver lining! It's there! ;)
Oh how scary! Good to hear that he was okay.
You are not the only parent this has happened to. You are not a fucktard (but again kudos on a good word). And he still loves you.
Can I tell you how freaked out I got reading this? VERY. Because as forgetful as I've been lately, I could see myself making a mistake like this. People make mistakes. And I can understand how you're feeling, because I think you and I are cut from the same cloth. I'd be torturing myself, too. But believe me when I tell you, you really don't deserve to be tortured. It was a slip. It doesn't make you a fucktard. It makes you human.
Ferbit: Thanks for the hugs. If every happens for a reason then maybe by leaving him somewhere pretty safe, it will make me more aware in public. As the kids have gotten older, I've become way more laid-back instead of constantly counting heads. This was an eye opener that I need to continue to be much more vigilant.
Shana: We'll quibble on fucktard because I think I deserved that title yesterday, but I am forgiving myself today. And my little guy? He forgot about it 10 minutes later as we worked on rainbow scratches. And yes, love that word.
Leslie: Yep, I knew you would. We are of the same cloth.
I guess I have always been one of those people that shake their head when they hear about a mom leaving a baby in a hot car, or not paying attention and loosing her child by drowning on a beach, or leaving the car seat on top of the car. I always thought I was above that.
Sadly, not. I've been distracted and tired lately and let my guard down. My husband thinks I am crazy on how stressed I get about the kids, but I think we mothers are wired with this stress for a reason. I am sure some father are wired the same way and I am sure there are studies on the why going back to cave days.
CG, by the way, thinks I am also crazy to have posted this on my blog and to have admitted what I did. I figure I'd rather show both sides of my mothering rather than writing one of those glow-y, never takes a misstep fairy tales of parenthood blogs. There's lots of blogs like those. I try to keep it real. I truly feel we all make mistakes parenting and one of the greatest gifts you can give a child is to gracefully admit as a parent you make mistakes and ask forgiveness. I hope this helps someone reading this out there.
That said, if I ever do this again, shoot me.
Stuff like this happens. I know that doesn't make you feel any better, and thankfully nothing bad happened, but I can't believe you're the first or last parent to do it.
It's a terrible feeling though, you've got that right.
Repeating what has already been said, you are human. :)
(hugs)
Lisa Said:
ahhh, I read your blog...as evidenced by the fact that I'm currently getting caught up on November's posts. I almost posted a few minutes ago about your "left the lil' man at home" blog. I feel your pain so much on that one...and I really appreciate you being willing to post. I think we could all benefit from being a little more transparent about our good days and bad (but I'm glad that you went first!).
Thanks for blogging...your blog is one of my favorites. Especially your pin up girl images. =)
THIS IS WHAT MY NIGHTMARES ARE MADE OF.
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