My Worst Nightmare


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7:00 AM
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Labels: caminito del rey, cliffs, heights, leighann, nightmare, pessimists need love too, scary, unstable, video
At a swim meet this weekend, my friend's husband took his three year old to purchase a drink.
In line, the three year old yelled that the man in front of them was "FA-A-A-A-A-T! "
The husband was horrified. What was worse was the big man got offended and turned around all mean-like and said in a challenging voice to the father:
"Did HE just call me fat?!"
The Dad covered quickly.
"No, no. He called you bad. He calls everyone bad."
"It jiggles."
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8:00 PM
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Labels: bad hair day, culture, evil, father, honesty, phat, pre-school, society, swimming, usa
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9:46 AM
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Labels: being outed, blog, childhood, discretion, my father, my mother, outing
Moosh in Indy wrote a poignant photo-essay style post about sisters. It made me sniffle a bit my sisters are not close by, but more than that it made me tear up for PB. I've posted my comment:
I grew up in a family of five girls and one boy. While my brother and I tolerated each other, I loved my sisters.
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8:16 AM
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Labels: comments, comments speak volumes, moosh in indy
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8:13 AM
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Labels: motherhood, swim meet, swim mom, swimming, USA Swimming

Wasn't it just yesterday that she looked like this:

My baby girl is growing so quickly. 3rd Grade today. College tomorrow.
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10:49 PM
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Labels: growing up, pb, pictures, princess baby, third grade
Next Question: "Who was your favorite family member?"
Her Answer: "All of them."
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3:30 AM
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Labels: childhood, country, extremes, Grandma, memories, my mother, pb, rural, school project
Have you heard about gas prices?! I am trying to use my hysterical inside voice here.
Flickr Photo by cobalt123
I know you thought that price was for well aged wine. Or blood. Or gold juice.
Nope, we are talking about that funny smelling substance (which I secretly love to sniff) which makes the car go vroom, vroom.
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8:30 AM
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Labels: 2009, bankrupt, california, commute, fuel, gas, gasoline, mpg, prices, summer boredom, swimming, today show
We just finished our taxes! Yeah!
What's that you say?
No, not the 2007 ones.
Yep, the 2006 filing.
Yep, pathetic.
Good News: We are getting a $5500 return.
Bad News: We have had a credit card balance that entire time. So at an average 10 percent APR and if we had done our taxes diligently and put the rebate towards our credit card balance, we would be $750 less in debt.
2nd Bad News: We bought super Turbo Tax so we could file electronically and they would aud-ja-matically put it into our account quicker. Sigh. When you procrastinate like us, you have to go old-school and send it in the...gasp...mail?
I mean, who uses the postal service anymore?
M'kay, agreed. We suck.
We are college-educated lame-sticks that should know better not to overpay the man that much in the first place, much less let him keep it for over 2-1/2 years without paying us interest.
Okay, gotcha. Agreed. Numb skulls extraordinaire.
Now, about those 2007 taxes. Emmm...Errrr... CG? He's estimated they owe us at least another $3000 plus that family credit.
Sheesh!
The IRS should be paying us interest. We seem to not be in any hurry to get it back.
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3:30 AM
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Labels: 2006, college educated, interest, irs, lame, late filing, taxes
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3:30 AM
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Labels: bad mother, Li'l Man, milk shortage, Mom of the Year Award, oatmeal, piratese, whipped cream, whipping cream
Dana recently caught her husband red-handed with a receipt for a vibrator. I asked my husband what a man would do with such a vibrator.
He had some theories, but then he went off on a tangent about electronic hoo-haas.
I mean in real detail.
Like they are rubber tubes.
Like some feel like mouths.
Some feel like hoo-haas and others feel like, ahem, other orifices.
Like he's done research...
Hmmm...
Can you sense my eyebrows were raised?
He saw those eyebrows and defensively said he'd only read about them in Wired magazine.
Uh-huh! Right-o!
He said that last time when we went to see "Lars and the Real Girl."
He knew ALOT about those REAL girls.
Seems he'd visited the website.
Seems he read it in a magazine first...
Seems it was probably Wired...
Funny that! I couldn't find any electronic vaginas when I searched Wired?
Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I still say hmmmph! Wired seems to be more about electronics than software nowadays, eh?
Dangerous, girls! Dangerous!
Shaking my head.
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10:30 AM
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Labels: cg, electric vaginas, husband, lars and the real girl, real girls, research, sex toys, vibrator
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3:30 AM
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Labels: affluent, boulevard, butt, dog, gooseberries, neighborhood, poop, wiping poo
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8:36 PM
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Labels: comedy, dance, dance video, humor, kindergartener, Li'l Man, Lincoln Park, premium dancer, youtube, youtube video
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10:00 AM
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Labels: cg, clueless, dirty jokes, eldest, naive, sixth grade, swim practice
Flickr Photo by Daniel Greene
Remember how I mentioned I can be irrational yesterday? Pa-shah! That's nothing compared to my eating issues.
I hate Americanized Indian food.
Ick! Phoo-ey!
Give me crap green curry and I will give you the stink eye.
Serve me Tikki Masala all fatty and glue-y? There goes your tip, you stupid whore.
Give me gummy, sticky Basmati rice and I will leave you a bad review and talk shit about your restaurant endlessly to CG to anyone who will listen.
Luckily, the Eastside has good, authentic Indian--especially in Redmond near Microsoft. When you are the only white person in the restaurant, you know you are at the right place.
However....
I loves me some Americanized Chinese. Authentic? Bah! I miss my California Chinese.
I love Chinese, but Seattle doesn't do it for me. They suck at Chinese food. Bleck!
Sniffle. Why can't you make good chicken almond chow mien here in Seattle? You do so-so Dim Sum (I like that authentic, but can only find it in Vancouver, Canada or San Francisco).
I'm looking for a restaurant that has a wondrous combination of Asian husband and white wife or vice versa that blends the two cultures food into that glorious food of my childhood.
You know the restaurant with darkened interiors, maybe a few cockroaches, definitely greasy spoons, and lots of elderly people eating there. Lots of greasy sweet and sour pork, Mongolian Beef, General Tsao's Chicken. You get the deal.
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6:00 AM
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Labels: authentic, chinese food, indian food, redmond
There's something you should know about me.
I'm an infected human agent of the worst form of Herpes Simplex.
Yes, my friends I get cold sores. Monstrous one. Ones that start in my middle of my lips and leave trailing pain down my chin.
They suck.
So, another fact you should know is that my feelings get easily hurt. Ask my mother-in-law I haven't talked to in four years. Yep, I'm grudgy too. And irrational at times.
So, I'm feeling all grudgy, irrational, hurt, and in pain today.
Why, you ask?
For the last twelve years, I've taught my husband CG not to kiss me when I have cold sores. He's been resistant, but I have stubbornly clung to the fact that miraculously, he does not have this pestilence, and I don't want to be the one that gives him the gift that keeps on giving.
So, after eleven years of marriage, I have a disgusting, weeping, painful cold sore today and he had the nerve to kiss me repeatedly...on the forehead.
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7:00 AM
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Labels: cg, cold sore, feelings hurt, herpes simplex, husband, Marriage, menstruation, Period, pms, training husbands
So, you know the schpeal:
Yes, my friends.
I entice you to stalk me as I make my windy comments across the country.
Come meet my favorite blogs. Read what I read. Then read my reaction.
Today, I will stand on the premise that comments speak volumes.
Are you guys still here?
Okay, in come some more comments I've made. Whew! I keep reading and commenting. Reading and commenting. People have been writing some good stuff.
I think these will be the last comments of the night so I decided I should do some shoutouts to some Seattle locals:
Let the Dog In on Flowering Attitude and my comment: " My husband did a Mini rally there with the kids last spring during the festival–but we can only fit four of us in a Mini–and there are five. Sigh. I stayed home...Driving around in circles in a Mini isn’t my idea of fun anyway..."
I Forgot Where I Was Going With This on http://imhelendt.wordpress.com/2008/04/18/holy/ and my comment: "Try having the kids swim in the snow the week after we took off the bubble and then take team pictures while still in wet swimming suits? Lots of crankiness and shivering..."
So stalk away, my friends. Stalk awaaaaaay....
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6:40 PM
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Labels: comments comments speak volumes, helen, i forgot where I was going with this, let the dog in, mini cooper, Seattle, snow, tulips
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3:31 PM
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Labels: amid life's crises, comments, comments speak volumes, dana, jason for the love of god, my grimm reality, stalking
"I don't think this bickering is just reserved for the male
sex.In our little unit of joyous (cough, cough) harmony
that I call our family, it's the two closest in age--mainlymy 8-1/2 year old daughter and 11 year old son whichare the problem.I usually resort to guilt. You know, the kind your
Mom got you with all the time."Guys, (fake sniffle), what if Mommy and Daddy die?
She is the only sister you have and he is the only bigbrother you will ever, ever have. You must take careof each other ... when your Dad and I die tragically
of diphtheria or tuberculosis or the grippe. Yeah, yeah."I sigh heavily, put hand to brow, and wander unstablyaround as if a lost soul.Their eyes get teary. They gulp. They look contrite.
And there is silence for a blessed five minutes. Ahhh, peace.I walk around the corner and bust up laughing and
call them something much stronger than "stinkers."Ah, parenting. It's war. You've got to use the tools
at your disposal, my friend."
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1:52 PM
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Labels: bickering, carrie, comments, comments speak volumes, fighting dirty, guilt, Seattle, snow, third times a charm

"ohhhh, whatever. Did you see the nasty comments at the
Democratic debate the other night? McCain doesn't need to sink in their mud.
They are so busy slinging mud, innuendo, and lies at each other, they are
letting the election slip through their grasp.
I used to respect Obama, but his guns and religion comment was
elitest and showed a complete lack of sensitivity, reason, and judgment. Yes,
they all are elitest, but he has the poor judgment to make that drivel come out
of his mouth in public. Furthermore, he was right that Hillary also has had
verbal diarrhea with her stand by my man/making cookies ridiculousness in the
90's.
Yes, it's been said McCain has a temper, but at least he
has the reason to let his enemies kill themselves slowly with soundbites as his
percentages continue to rise.
It comes down to who do you think can run the country? Who do
you trust with this war? I don't think the guns and religions crap will go over
to well in the Middle East either. Nor will a crybaby, teary eyed
female.
McCain's my man.
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Blogging on the Sammamish Plateau Since 2006"
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12:48 PM
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Labels: avitable, chocolate covered burritos, contests, Hillary Clinton, John mccain, nutcracker, Obama, politics, seattle pi blogs, strange bedfellows
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12:05 PM
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Labels: chicken and cheese, comments, comments speak volumes, Life is Short Partake in Happy Hour, Miss Britt, woman with kids
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11:33 AM
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Labels: comments, commments speak volumes, linky love




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9:47 AM
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Labels: button-holes, dress, one-upmanship, one-upmomship, pattern, pinafore, pioneer, sewing, simulation, youtube video
Exciting news, my friends. Let me do a jiggy dance. Bop. Bop. Bop. Taaa-Dum......
Little ol' me has her own domain.
Now, instead of typing http://unitedstatesofmotherhood.BLOGSPOT.com ...
You only need type http://unitedstatesofmotherhood.com . Wow, huh? Exciting news. Aren't you pumped? EIGHT, count 'em, EIGHT key strokes saved!!!
Other than saving you eight keystrokes, I'm not sure what this means.
I do know CG (aka my computer geek husband) thinks it rocks.
Shrug.
So, it seems that Blogger sells domain names and transfers your blog to the new url seamlessly. They will continue to send people from the old url to the new url. They still host for free. And all for the bargain price of $10 per annum.
So, other than it seems cool to be simply a dot com, what other benefits are there? Errr... I dunno. I guess I get some gadgets and tools. I get another email account. Emmm... It sounds cool?
Now, I just need to revamp my site design. It's so blah. It shouts blogspot, and now I'm a domain owning, dot com snob-bloganista, baby!
By the way, the old url and feed will still continue to work if you feel your digits need the exercise. Masochists!
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2:27 PM
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Labels: blog, blogger, domain, free hosting, layout, site design, template, tools gadgets, url
Not that it's Heart.
Not that whoa Nelly, those Heart chicks look way different.
Not that that's Fergie with 'em.
Nope, Guitar Hero.
Okay, my second thought was whoa that Fergie is very bend-y and acrobatic. I knew for once CG would be willing to watch a segment of American Idol. Usually he abhors it.
Yep, I was right. He was really into her bend-y moves.
No big surprise there, eh?
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12:30 PM
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Labels: acrobatic, american idol, Barracuda, bendy, fergie, flexible, gives back, Guitar Hero 3, heart, video, Wii, youtube

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8:38 AM
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Labels: changeling, drool, flamingoes, husband, nintendo, no effect on girls, suburban, super smash brothers, Wii, zombie
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1:57 PM
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Labels: carrie, commenting, comments, third times a charm, windy, windy douchehole
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10:10 AM
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Labels: addiction, balance, blogroll, commenters, commenting, comments, compulsion, google reader, guilt, time, time managment
And blowing massive bubbles:
And sculpture:

Some couple even offered up their bread bowl to the kids! Unfortunately, those fowls were super fast so I only got wind-ups.


And wrote in the sand:
Then, it was back to home base to eat dinner with CG. He was only a little lonely. The meatloaf muffins and leftover whipped potatoes from the night before had kept him company for lunch. He had had a rough day at work.
Now, he had us and two lovely fresh steel head fillet basted in a miso, soy sauce, and sweet teriyaki sauce. Add some coconut rice and steamed broccoli, and all was forgiven.
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12:52 AM
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Labels: bellevue, cg, cheap, ferries, ivar's fish bar, lake washington, less than $40 a day, Mercer Island, pacific science Center, Puget Sound, Seattle, spring break, thrifty, USA Swimming, vacation