United States of Motherhood: The Peacemaker and Building Bridges

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Peacemaker and Building Bridges

It's been a hard week and it's only Wednesday.

The words, the venom directed at each other has been shocking. I took part in the brawl. Yes, all out, throw the gloves off, vicious fighting directed at my sisters.

It started to become a "They aren't worth it" situation.

I've been known when stress gets too high and the hurt is too much to bear, to permanently remove family members from our lives.

Surgical incisions.

Slam doors never to be open. Napalm bridges never to be rebuilt.

It almost came to that.

I might have mentioned with family like them, who needed enemies. I also might have said blood doesn't make family. I was definitely wrong.

I sat weeping openly at the public library last night at a table waiting for the kids to be done with swimming as I read hurtful, angry email after hurtful, vicious email from one sister in particular who now openly admits it wasn't an accident. That she deliberately outed my blog to a sister who would be extremely hurt and was extremely hurt by my blog. That sister then passed on my email to another sister who I feel set up a Facebook just to attack me. She says she didn't.


Then, wiping tears, I angrily, shot back nasty reply after nasty reply. I pounded the keyboard. I made the faces I do when I blog. I huffed. My face burned. My heart beat madly. The other patrons around me gave me a very wide berth. I could tell they thought me just another loon in that library.

What unspeakable weapons we have over each other when family fights, no-holds-barred.

We questioned each other's parenting, need for therapy, and honesty. We hurled insults. We went into minutae of every transgression. It went from my blog to attacking another sister who doesn't host family dinners for the holiday. I defended that sister. I defended her to this other sister in way unimaginable. In very wrong ways.

In the thick of it, I misdirected an email to my parents. I tried to recall it. I desperately IM-ed one sister and CG to call and have my mother delete it. I didn't have my phone. My mother did, delete, but I think they already read it.

This still did not stop the emails between two sisters from that same mother.

They were bitter. Venomous is fitting. The last email ended in a threat by me to expose her via emails she had sent to her husband's family as retribution. Not my finest hour.

It was ugly.

So ugly, I ended up picking up the kids over an hour late from swimming.

After dinner, I obsessed and re-read every email written.

All day, I had forwarded emails to "my" side of our family of six siblings and she forwarded copies to "her" side of the family.

A schism.

I went to bed still angry. Then I awoke to a shining beacon.

We are a family of five girls and one brother. My brother and I had a difficult relationship as children, but he has become an amazing guy over the years. I've long since forgiven him. It's a regret that I really didn't get to spend time and my kids didn't get to spend time with the new man that he is since moving here.

My brother wrote the most amazing email. His words were like bullets to my anger. It slowly deflated and seeped away.

Asking for peace. Acknowledging the divide between the six children, now adults, both religious and political, but asking for acceptance of each other and their differences. Asking for forgiveness.

One sister came to the table with an email.

I have yet to respond. I am hurt. I am angry. I at the same time know what I did is wrong by writing unflattering comments about some of them in my blog.

I tried to apologize yesterday and that apology apparently was passed around the other sisters and mocked.

I now trust that nothing I write will go only to one of them. I guess they feel the same in reference to my blog.

Where do we go from here?

Amongst all this drama, I got a call that Grendel once again has cancer. It's in her chest. Who knows if it's in her lungs. She goes in tomorrow. Yes, we are having out 14 year old dog go through another expensive surgery we can't afford once again. Not even a choice. I would do anything for her. I never stop hoping.

I wish that same strong hope applied to my family. I am trying. I am trying to wrap my mind around it. I am having difficulty getting past being called pathetic, sad and disturbed by not one, but two sisters because I write here.

They don't understand.

This blog became private last night. Then it went back public today. Bear with me while I decide what to do.

Everything seems nebulous.


Trying to wrap my brain around what's been said and how to react.

I will probably be making some surgerical cuts in this blog. Removing the parts of me that include them to a private blog.

Hopefully that will help. My husband, the engineer by degree and by Army training, keeps chanting bridges.

Let's hope.

blognotes: Thx for the pics by marvinjonataylor by majamom and by Ευτυχία (Jim is Nice) and by hippohere and by yuzu


Leslie said...

I've typed about 15 different comments, but nothing reads like what I'm really trying to say.

Just know that I'm thinking of you. And I think you're an incredible person.

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

My heart goes out to you...I know your pain, although my trials are with my mother as I have no full siblings. I know you will decide to do what is best for you...but the idea of your blog was probably not to bash your family, but to have an outlet...
I understand your pain...I know how it goes from...a simple "I am sorry you are hurt" to doing whatever you can to draw blood...it happens to me...no matter how hard I try not to let it.

I hurt for you now...I am sorry you have had to go through this.

Dumblond said...

First, I am sorry that you are going through such a rough patch with your family. Unfortunately, family members know how to hit where it hurts when they want to. Deep down you don't mean the things you say but they come out anyway in the heat of battle and you can't ever take it back. I have no experience in my life to be able to identify with you. I have no sisters. Only brothers. And they seem to worship the ground I walk on. hehehe
Second, I really hope that you do not decide to make your blog private. You have a wonderful sense of humor and you are brutal in your honesty about what you feel and think and why. I may not agree with you on everything you put out there but my blogging experience would not be the same without your words. Please don't hide it away!
Third, I am sorry about your furry friend. That is just a terrible bit of news...I hope things turn out okay.
I'm gonna keep tuning in...hoping that things start looking a bit brighter for you.

"THE" Big Brother said...

Things will get better lil sis... We are a very interesting 6-pack arent we? We need to talk more often, especially about a summer visit with lil Mo

Scout's Honor said...

Thanks Leslie, Dawn, and Dumb Blond (do we have a nicer moniker than that, heh?). You guys have been so helpful in different ways. it's nice knowing have some blog frinds that understand blogging and also families that don't.

Really needed all your comments.

And Big Brother,
I needed yours most of all. Thanks for the email you sent again and now the comment. I'm not so sure I'm as optimistic after all the silence since.

I would love for your family to come up and visit with Molly's family.

imhelendt said...

WHen I figure this out for myself I'll let you know. I'm simply not blogging. Sigh.

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