United States of Motherhood: Beyond Twilight In the Garden

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Beyond Twilight In the Garden

We found her sleeping in the corner of the yard on a chilly night.

I had been ill so not tracking her movements as usual.

PB found her.

She came to tell me about something "cute" she had seen.

I almost shooed her away.

It was not until I heard her say "Grendel" that I unwrapped myself out of my selfish physical self and truly listened to her chattering.

Grendel was "sleeping" in a dark corner of the garden near the herbs.

PB had seen her limp body and perused innocently that she was taking a catnap - deep in slumber amongst the sweet scents of basil and rosemary and thyme.

I rushed outside.

I saw her still form and rushed to her side. The ground was damp and cold beneath my knees.

I was sure she was gone, but as the motion-sensored lights flickered on I saw her sad, pleading brown eyes and contorted body.

She couldn't get up.

She didn't even struggle as I picked her up whilst squeezing the multiple baseball size tumors that now pester her back and spine and the untold number in her shoulder, neck, pelvis and lungs.

She shivered violently. I lay her limp in front of the fireplace. She stayed where I put her.

We wrapped her in soft blankets. She seemed unable to lift her head.

I brought her a bowl of chicken broth that she finally listlessly drank.

Her eyes were glazed, whether from the cancer, the drugs I gave her a few hours earlier, or the from the mist of her twilight years, I am still not sure.

Who knows how long she was out there.

I was so angry. At myself for not paying attention the day before, so wrapped in my own health problems, that I failed to give her her meds and now today for letting her slip out of the house through the doggy door.

I am angry at the cancer.

I am angry that she could have died cold, alone, and in the dark.

But most of all, I am angry at myself that I almost hoped she was gone when I saw her in the garden because I am too much of a coward to let her go.

Too much of a coward to make the decision my kids and husband are in denial of it's need.

Tonight, she sleeps embraced in our arms in front of a warm glowing fire.

Tomorrow, perhaps she will find a final slumbering place.

Tomorrow, perhaps, will be better.

Tomorrow, perhaps will be the day to make a decision.

We are in the late hours of light in her life. In her darkest hour.

Beyond twilight and in very dark territory, we stumble.

Thx for the flickr pics by by Darkr, by lepiaf.geo, by lepiaf.geo again, and by gari.baldi


Carrie said...

I'm so sad for you tonight. I hope she passes peacefully. I'll send up a prayer for your family.

theresme said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. I hope that she holds on longer

Tendrils said...

So sorry to read this... sending prayers your way...

Not a Granny said...

Hugs to you and your family. I know how difficult this time is for you all!

Mamapajama said...

Tomorrow is today...the time has come...read your post again...it is so crystal clear she is ready to go. Don't let her suffer anymore, please, be strong and do what is hard. You have the power to make her crossing peaceful, painless and quick. Do that one last kindness for her, please. My heart breaks for you and your family, I've been where you are and done the hard thing, with no regrets after. Loving memories will sustain. God bless.

Beau said...

Thanks everybody for the comments and keeping us in your thoughts. We are getting close.

I so hate dealing with this stuff.

Anonymous said...

So sorry for your pain, I have been through it more times than I care to recall. Love her, hold her and let her rest now.

kl crab

Whit said...

It's not easy, that's for sure.

Dumblond said...

What a hard time this is for you. I hope that when she does finally pass, knowing that her pain is finally gone will bring you a bit of peace.

Dece said...

Love to your sweet Grendel. Keep us updated.

Mike said...

Prayers for you.

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Charitha said...

I understand you pain... I am sooo sorry for her. Praying for her and your family.

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