Age-Appropriateness, Personal Beliefs, & Birthday Parties
We don't do age-appropriate in this family.We just don't.
We do maturity-appropriate.
I make decision based on my knowledge of my children, not some arbitrary number some ratings board has decided.
I let my kids see R-rated movies. They don't scare them. They actually tend to bore them and they leave to play upstairs.
There's nothing like the forbidden that draws a moth to the flame. When it's not forbidden, it's a yawn.
So recently, I took my kids to Zombieland. My youngest two looked away in the gory party, but liked it.
Why Zombieland?
Only because we missed the last showing of "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" and Eldest wanted to see Zombieland. (By the way, very funny movie. It rocked!)
So I know we aren't the conventional parents which is where you, my readers, come in. I need your advice:
We are planning PB's belated (isn't it always?) 10th birthday party. We were thinking dinner and a movie for about 12-15 girls from her 5th grade class and swimming group. They will all be in the 10-14 year old age group. PB will be the youngest at 10 years. Most will be 11-12 yrs.
We are thinking Twilight: New Moon.It is PG-13.
How appropriate would it be to invite her friends to a PG-13 movie?
For those who don't allow their children to see PG or PG-13 movies, would this cause a problem for you to say no?
Would it bother you?
Would you judge us or be annoyed?
I wonder because she has quite a few friends who come from religious, conservative backgrounds. I don't want to offend them and yet I don't believe I should also have to cater my daughter's party to them either.
They make the best decisions for their children and I make the best for mine.
So back to you all: How much consideration do you give to your children's friend's beliefs and values over your own?
How much should one accommodate?
20 Witty Comments For Me:
I would say go through with your plans, but let the parents know you are planning to take your kids to see this movie.
My experience is this. I went to a friends house for a birthday party when I was about 9. The friends mother said, "We are going to watch Jenn's favorite movie, The Exorcist! If you need to leave the room, you can go in there and no one will judge you." Well, that movie scared the crap out of me, as my parents don't watch movies like that and I had no exposure to it. And when I went home and told my mom about what movie we saw, she was livid. I am sure the mom got a good tongue lashing about checking with parents before showing that type of movie, plus she would not have let me gone.
So, if the parents don't want their kids seeing the movie, at least it is their choice to make.
I think it's fine to invite them, though I would probably tend to try to talk to the parents first to avoid disappointing the kids. Of course, kids talk anyway, so disappointment is probably inevitable. Either way, I would make sure the parents knew the plan, but you're clearly already going to do that.
That many young girls all at one restaurant? I grew up with open-minded parents so I would have been able to go with no questions asked. Your right to be somewhat concerned about the other parents though, you never know how strict they are with what their kids watch. I would say in the invitation that the party was "DINNER AND A MOVIE, 'the name of the movie you have chosen', and see what happens. If not everyone shows up and your daughter is upset, you can use it as an opportunity to explain that society has a vast array of values, and not everyone agrees with everything she has been brought to believe. I think children learning about diversity, is a valuable lesson which leads to more tolerance.
Kristina
Twilight is an awful book series and sends all kinds of wrong messages to young girls. The first movie was also vapid and boring, so I wouldn't expect much more from the second...
That being said, if PB wants to see it, it's her birthday so go through with the plan, but be sure to talk to the other parents beforehand. If they don't want their kid to go, that's their prerogative.
Nothing wrong with inviting them - the parents can make their own decision based on the info.
Invite them, but for sure tell the parents ahead of time what movie you'll be seeing, and explain to your daughter that there might be some friends that can't come - maybe those can join you just for dinner and then skip the movie if it's objectionable.
I've taken my almost-nine-year-old to see both Transformers and the two latest HP films, even though they were PG-13. The older one saw Zombieland and loved it (except the clowns, I think, he commented about the clowns) although I wouldn't take the third-grader to that. I explain that there things that are said and done that are inappropriate for them to say or do, or situations that they might not understand, or something that's momentarily freaky or startling, but that those are small parts of the movie that aren't going to keep us from enjoying the rest of it, and we can talk about them afterward. I think it's a much more realistic way to approach things than the overly sheltered view. Some other parents at my son's school think I'm too permissive, and it doesn't bother me. I let mine watch more mature movies and listen to hard rock, but even the 14 yo doesn't wander around the mall on his own or even have sleepovers at other people's homes where I'm not in control of the situation. So I'm not permissive about some stuff and they can say what they want.
You don't strike me as the sort who is overly concerned with other folks' opinions, though... (which is a good thing, I think!)
"There's nothing like the forbidden that draws a moth to the flame. When it's not forbidden, it's a yawn."
Well said.
I'm one who doesn't let my kids see PG-13 movies (only because my 10 year old is pretty immature and the other two are 4 and 5. I don't think 13 is a magic age.) ANYWAY, I would probably tell him he couldn't go, especially if it was a movie I hadn't seen yet, but I wouldn't be offended that he'd been invited, nor would I think you were a bad parent for taking 10-14 year old to see it.
Of course, when my kid started crying about how mean I am for not letting him go, I'd point out that I wasn't letting him because I love him more than you love your kids. :)
I'm with Ren - tell the parents BEFORE you tell the kids. That way if they say no, you aren't showing them up in front of their kids.
That said, I know a lot of friends with kids younger than PB who took their kids to Twilight . . . . And at least you know it's sex-free!
I totally agree "There's nothing like the forbidden that draws a moth to the flame. When it's not forbidden, it's a yawn." and I live by that with my boys..
I agree with the majority. Send out invitations and say what movie you will be watching. I like the idea of getting RSVP's with the option out of the movie, that way their child can still go to dinner and don't feel pressured to do both if they aren't comfortable with the choice of movie.
The boys are totally different, so the choice of movie wouldn't be based on the "pg-13" rating. My 13 boy closes his eyes at scary movie commercials, but they do watch ALOT of movies that are pg 13.
Anyway, I would probably only be mad if I didn't have any idea of the movie or have time to look it up online to get some review information..
Amy
I say let the parents of the invited kids know you are planning on going to see it. so that they can RSVP. They will let you know if they think it appropriate for their child. If you can do something else and do the movie thing later, that will let the kids all be together if someone's folks object to them seeing the movie.
My daughter's friends are rabid Twilight fans. However, her one friend's folks won't let her see the movie. Not because its PG-13, but because its "demonic". They are a bit interesting anyway.
If you don't personally know the family, I'd send the invite directly to the parents, so they can accept or regret for their daughter without the hassle of saying 'no' if they so choose. This second story line has some issues with suicidal tendencies, but subtle enough and fantasy like enough that if they're too immature for it, it'll most likely sail right over their lil noggins.
I share that philosophy, but I'd appreciate a note of the rating on the movie, so I could decide. Maybe talk to the other parents before issuing invitations so nobody gets upset when their parents say "no!"
Why is it that sometimes the hardest part of parenting is dealing with other parents?
It depends on what's more important for your daughter - a movie or her friends.
It would be a bummer if half her friends don't show up because they aren't allowed to see the movie. If that's the case you need to decide if it's worth changing the movie so she can celebrate with all her friends.
I would hope celebrating and interacting with friends is more important then a movie.
She can always go see it with a couple friends as a post birthday celebration.
acquireworth has a good idea. If the movie looks like its just going to be to big of an issue with PB's friends, then just do the dinner thing, maybe with another outing, and save the movie for PB and just a few of her friends that you know (and their parents know) will not have an issue.
We do try for a somewhat age appropriate house. Our children are not overly mature but that mostly goes for R-rated or M-rated stuff. PG-13 has been pretty okay for them for awhile. There is no magic number around here...we just observe their reaction to real-life situations and go from there.
I hope PB has a great birthday party, whatever she ends up doing!
I say, go ahead with your plans, but let the parents know you are planning to take the kids to see this movie. Let them make the decision for their kids.....in my experience (mainly at school with my students since my son is only 4) parents aren't in to the PG vs PG-13 ratings... it's R they are concerned with. :) Good Luck and HappY birthday Party to PB!
I would def. make sure that the parents knew what movie. So they have the choice to let them go or not.
If she has a fair number of friends from conservative religious backgrounds, you may want to consider choosing a different movie bc of the whole vampire/lustiness/sparkly/hot teen vampire...drool...erm, sorry, what was I saying?
On the run - but saw your tweet asking for help: I'd schedule the movie party, inform the other families of all the details, and allow for an after movie cake fest. If they are ok with letting their kids see the movie, then great. If not, they can come after and eat cake & cupfulls of blood-I-mean-fruit-punch.
P.s.: I know from my volunteer work in a school library that they are all reading the books. even the kids whose parents don't allow it. as you say, forbidden fruit will be had. the more forbidden, the greater the tempting.Dialogue is the better option.
Coming from the mom whose kids just watched Land of the Lost (totally didn't know it was PG-13, but wouldn't have cared either way) I say it's fine.
BUT...I would definitely let the parents make that choice. I read all of those books, and so has my 7th grader...the 5th grader is on book 3 (both boys). Nothing even remotely "racy" happens until the last book but you never know how it will play out onscreen. There is a lot of "anticipation" and teen angst, but I'm thinking it's prob as harmless as Twilight was in film form. However, some might freak because of the "occult" factor. I, wouldn't, but others might.
So, in a round about way to answer your question - feel the parents out, see what they say. If too many are opposed, PB and you might want to weigh what is more important, the movie or the company...and then make a decision. Either way, it opens up dialogue between you and your daughter, as well as the other moms/dads and that is never a bad thing.
:) Have fun, most of all. I'm taking my boys to that movie (11 and 12) and I don't really think I'll have to put the popcorn bucket over their eyes or anything...it's a "tween" movie.
PS - I saw Purple Rain in the 5th grade at my friend Tanisha's house. It was a bootlegged VHS tape and her Dad was a cop!
I was more mortified over the fact that we were watching a movie that had that scary "FBI Warning" before it, warning of the legal issues with copied movies, than I was of the fact that it was rated R. Her dad was a COP!!!! We were all going to go to JAIL!!!! ;)
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