Blog Silence: Turning a New Leaf

I am still here.

I am recovered from hosting two Halloween parties of 20+ guests in two days.

And yet, I was absent here.

My usual blogging time was gobbled up by the turn of a new leaf.

I am so sick of the way I feel.

The fat arms. The thighs rubbing together. The bags under my eyes. The silent liver disease and not so silent exhaustion from anemia from blood loss. The constant wearing of workout clothes or jeans and bulky sweaters and scrapped back pony tails with ball caps to cover my failure. I am sick of making everything and everyone a priority, but me.

I feel limp and discarded like a fallen leaf trampled underfoot in the rain.

My five year older sister told me last week that she was pregnant with her seventh child and all I was thinking beyond congratulations is how does she have the energy?

I cannot imagine being pregnant again much less having the energy to start over.

It was a wake up call.

I need to get my physical house in order.

I need to belly button gaze.

I needed to get to the gym. And I did. Three hours of working out each day for four days. I can barely lift my arms. 15 miles (500 calories) of stationary bike or 1 hour 20 minutes of elliptical machine. 10 minutes rowing. 20 minutes weights. 500 yard swim. 200 ab crunches.

Every time. Every day.

I am still struggling to make this a routine.

It's even more of a struggle to type as even my hands, shoulders, and back are cramping. I am drowning in even more exhaustion than before in the hopes that my body will adapt.

It will adapt.

As I work out out, I struggle spending three hours of my day working on my body.

I feel selfish.

I think of all the things that need to get done around the house and I need to do for the house or kids. I mentally go through my outlook calendar for the week.

I also see my dimpled body in the mirror next to the sex kitten trophy wives. Most definitely they have the nannies and housekeepers and gardeners to be so selfish. I don't.

Yet, I stay. I will stay. I have the strength to look upward and forward.


I will make this a routine.


I want to have more energy and honestly, I want to be around for my family.

I fear in my current state of being, I won't be for long.

CG out of the blue asked me last week if I was happy.

I said I was.

Yet, the more I thought of it, I made all these laundry lists of what I needed to do and be to be happy.

Not sure if I was entirely honest with him, but I am working on it.

The struggle will be worth it.

It's appropriately ironic I heard a news story on NPR the other day about fall colors here.

While leaves die and trees go dormant, they produce the bright oranges and reds rather than just the yellows of dying chlorophyll.

It takes the trees extra energy that they could store, but it is a survival mechanism meant to ward of insects and disease: Expending more brilliant, beautiful , radiant energy at their time of exhaustion and want for sleep for the winter.

The brightest amount of color comes with the largest amount of stress for the tree.

It's become my anthem. I feel the results.

So what does that mean here? No worries. I am not quitting my blog.

I might not be here as often.

It's more about that I am re-prioritizing and realizing my health is most important for my longevity is all pursuits in my life.

I want to be around, my friends, so I sweat and silently struggle in the gym with my guilt for spending so much time on myself.

So if you see a falling leaf, struggling in the wind, or me or someone like me struggling just as much at the gym and in her mind, think of us all as trying to find some footing:

Trying to find our brilliant color in dealing with the stresses of life.



Thanks for the Flickr pics by Mubina H, by Lif..., by KM&G-Morris, by VancityAllie, by cmefish, by Dr.DeNo, and by gentlepurespace

'lisciously scribed by Scout's Honor @ 7:42 AM