United States of Motherhood: April 2009

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Zombies, Duels, and Polls! Oh My!

So you say your Easter was great with requisite chocolate eggs and buffets laden with Eggs Benedict?

Hey, us too! Yes, we partook in Lucifer's Testicles.

Well, we had that, but wait! There's more!

We had also had duels, pirates, and formulating consequences that we decided that my readers (that's you) would decide.

First, you must know this family has sometimes a free-form, reap the consequences policy which often is turned into an eye for an eye.

Yes, we roll like that.

So Eldest, dear Eldest, was warned not to take water cannon that the damned Easter Bunny brought him near Li'l Man, but alas the temptation was too great.

As soon as we returned from Easter brunch, the deed was done.

He turned a happy, warm little Li'l Man in Easter finery on a cool Seattle's Easter day into a cold, sad, drippy, and more importantly, whiny Li'l Man after a perfectly wonderful Easter buffet. I had ever intention to put my feet up and take a nap to slumber off the effects of too much shrimp cocktail and french toast.

Instead, my parenting skills need to come in to play and, sadly, my friends, my parenting skills might be a mite lacking with an over-full tummy.

His consequence and then more and more consequences for not heeding stipulations of said consequence was this:

Then there was the zombies.

Remember a while back I mentioned PB's fear of zombies and my evil inclination to incite that zombie fear? Heh! So guilty.

Well, I wasn't joking. They freak her out.

I need only to chase her with the under my breath mention of zombies and you get this:

You need to wait for the end and no I am not out of breath after running one circle in my house, he-he-he... erm... heh!

And finally, here is where you weigh in, dear readers.

What say you? Who wins:

Who Be Thar Most Pirate-y Scalliwag in the Scout Household and Thus Deservin' of the Stolen Egg Booty?
Eldest--his attitude alone deserves the eggs
PB--never say that drama doesn't run in her blood
Li'l Man--because making spit bubbles in one's throat is the best talent that will ever come out of the Scouty household
Scout--'Cause you know she already ate their eggs anyway when the beasts weren't looking
CG--why not!? He eats like a scurvy pirate with a heart condition anyway despite his wench's most valiant efforts

View Results

But really, I win. You see I win as having the mouthiest 12 year old alive with this quote:

"You used your problem solving skills, Mom. Good Job!"

Can you tell from whom he gets his snarky attitude?

P.S. Yes, the video quality sucked. I used my purse camera. Deal with it. Yes, I am so a mouth breather. Get over it. I'll try to be in better shape next time I videotape. Finally, do ever videotape something only to get the feeling of nails on chalkboard when you hear your own voice. Yep, hating my voice and this video only highlights this feature. Gah! Next video will be silent one.

Monday, April 13, 2009


I've got computer woes again. Sigh.

Laptop plug connection is loose. Plug stays in only if you exert extreme pressure on plug into outlet. Serious hand cramps follow. We figure I get between 3-10 minutes.

Battery won't hold a charge. I was barely able to get my outlook exported. Yes, this is the $200 laptop battery I bought nary 1 1/2 years ago.

At least the hard drive--having only failed 3 times in the last 3 1/2 years is holding strong, of course because it is warrantied. However, I am not sure how many more sudden power surges and abrupt turn offs as the battery goes kaput, it can take. Probably one day after warranty expires.

CG's been sending me new laptop ads for over a year.

He can get great Dell deals through his business.

I just didn't want to spend the money--especially after having spent $300 in data recovery, $125 one brand new hard drive, $60 more memory, $200+new, supposedly better 4 hour battery, and $60 yearly on a online hard drive back up in case said hard drive goes rogue for the FOURTH time over the last two years.

Yeah, yeah. Doing the math, that is about $750 in mostly hardware woes on a slow computer which overheats when I could have a brand new one for less.

Now I understand the mindset of people that keep pouring thousands of dollars into an old car. Replacing transmissions, drive belts, starters, re-upholstering, new paint job, etc.

I always wondered, "Wouldn't it be cheaper to just to buy a new one?" I always thought they were throwing good money after bad. Kind of like the AIG and Chrysler bail outs, eh?

They We don't know when to stop. When to let it go.

In the meantime?

I'm just saying email replies and blogging will be sparse, so if you sent me an email, please be patient.

Honestly, I don't know half my passwords. They are all on that blasted laptop o' mine. So Stumbleupon? Out of the question. I am lucky I remembered the password to Blogger to write this post and my Comcast account to check my email when I am at the library. I'll keep wracking my brain though.

You know what's the worst??

This happened just when I made an awesome video to put up of Easter.

You see our Easter included pirates and shoot outs and punishments and it was decided you all, my blog friends, would decide the fate of our children's eggs.


There will be a vote.

Stay tuned.

In the meantime, I am looking to go shopping for a laptop we can afford.

Then maybe I will take a sledgehammer to my current naughty, naughty laptop. If I do, I'll certainly videotape that like this guy:


Thx for the Flickr pic by gmcmullen and by stuartpilbrow and by ChrisB in SEA

Saturday, April 11, 2009

My Liege

I mentioned yesterday that my husband rocks because he presents me with fresh-laundered panties when I needed them most.

I know you think I'm crazy.

Yes, my friends, it's the small things.

The simple things.

Making me coffee.

Doing some laundry.

He's forgiven for the lawn. For now...

So, something you might not know about CG is his Natalie Portman worship. Yep, it's so bad that it's even spread to my 12 year old. Star Wars nerds.

So, for exceptionally meritorious achievement and outstanding performance of marriage duties, I present CG and you all with (Queue Oprah voice) a little Nat-a-lieeeee Port-a-mannnn:

Enjoy! She cracks me up. So far from her insipid Star Wars' roles, eh?

Thx for the Flickr pic by divid3d

Friday, April 10, 2009

Keeping My Mouth Shut: I Exist To Make You Look Like A Better Mother

My seven year old called his brother a "mutt-her effer" in anger on Sunday and there was no denying his meaning.

I am damned to hell.

We have another outbreak of potty mouth in this family and I am not talking about the kids.

They are, but spongy casualties of CG and I.

We can't keep our mouths shut.

It started in earnest in the Army. CG and I both picked up a lot of nasty vocabulary. When Eldest was a baby, we even gloried in creative swearing with little remorse. The f-bomb was a noun, verb, and adjective used freely.

But all that practice is hard to break, and , to be honest, it's contagious and malignant.

I went cold turkey for a while, but then I relapsed.

I understand it's like quitting smoking. If you quit whilst a partner continues, your chances of staying on the rosy path free of cancer sticks is nil.

So, now, it's back and it's an epidemic. The kids favorite video to watch on youtube is this one:

Yes, cute when they are 3 year old with a lisp.

Not cute in 1st grade, fourth grade, and 7th grade.

Not cute as a former PTA president and Army officer who now fears talking in public in front of large crowds. Not because I fear public speaking.

Seriously? I fear I'll drop the f-bomb. It just slips out.

It's like I have no control over the diarrhea that comes out.

I have f-bomb Tourettes.

Yes, our family has a long standing relationship with the f-bomb.

I am not too proud to ask for help. Seriously, I don't want to be that family. You know the one that the neighborhood moms whispered about because of the language they hear when windows are open.


Swear jars?

Electric shock?

What works to cure what ails me and how do I make CG participate this time?

I want full remission.

For now, chalk this up for another instance of highly inappropriate parenting. It's okay. We all can't be perfect, my friends.

I exist to make you look better.

You're very welcome.


Sheer Spring Stoopid Madness

Pass the Peeps, my friends.

Yes, and the Robin Eggs and pastel M&M's. Oooh, Almond Joy Eggs, I love you.

Got any Reese's peanut butter eggs?


Can we say emotional eating???

You know when you are having one of those months?

You haven't done laundry in weeks.

You haven't grocery shopped in weeks.

You are trying to be helpful and volunteer to initiate something for the team?

Pour hours into organizing, scheduling, and making spreadsheets during spring break while everyone else is vacationing for a project that snowballs into a massive undertaking and mucho hours that you should really be spending on grocery shopping, laundry, and organizing your life?

And then? It turns into drama, and you bang your head for ever volunteering to do it in the first place?

And the kid are on spring break and driving you crazy?

And, worst of all, Comcast is not so comcastic and Internet service has been spotty for five day which makes you hysterical to be separated from your crack you internets????

Welcome to my world.

The shining spot in my week? My husband did a load of laundry, so I found three gleaming pairs of fresh panties on the top of the dryer.

Seriously, it was like a treasure!

I was serious about the laundry. It was that bad.

It would have been a commando week.

Gah! Gah! Gah!

So many kudos for CG for making sure his wife is decent because all I had left to wear whilst going commando was mini-skirts.

Heh! I bet he's banging his head on the wall right now for sheer stupidity. Heh!

By the way, that Easter candy that I, thinking ahead and being organized, purchased months ago? Mostly gone.

Time to go for another candy run or the kids are gonna be hating on the Easter Bunny Pirate come Sunday.

At least CG made the brunch reservation or the way I'm going we'd have a Cadberry egg and jelly bean omelet for brunch with a rum and coke.


There is not one fresh fruit or vegetable in the house. We are down to canned foods from the pantry. We have milk and toilet paper only because of my husband.

Praise be CG: Lord of toilet paper, dairy, and panties.

My liege, I thank thee.

Thx for the Flickr pics by Lori-B. and by brungrrl and by Lottery Monkey

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Welcome To Reality, Sweetheart

My husband has been having health issues.

Cholesterol clogging his carotid artery is high up there. It's in the veins of his eyes. It runs in the family. Add it to two heart conditions.

He's finally consented to prescription medication and baby aspirin.

He's 35. Too damn young for this.

I may have mentioned there are other heart conditions and medical issues here.

He also has circulatory issues with his hands. Dr. Scout, that would be me, thinks that it's related and it's Peripheral Artery Disease.

Thank you. Yes, my Google medical degree has come in handy.

With his meds, he's been working on the diet. Cheese and bacon is out. Thank God. Oatmeal is in. As in he's eaten oatmeal 60 odd days straight.

"Please no more fried cheese." I used to plead.

This new diet only occurred when his doctor told him to cut it out. I've bemoaned the meat cheese phenom who is my husband for years. His doctor took care of it in one 45 minute exam.

So, the kids and I have been trying to drink more milk and taking mult-vitamins for the past year. CG always declined milk and vitamins.

I would always snarkily say, " Daddy wants to break a hip, kids."

They would all openly mocked him. Yeah, that's how we roll in this family. If you aren't using the brains that you were given, you are an open target. We can be vicious.

And still he resisted until his doctor told him he was low on Vitamin D after blood panel and x-rays and he needed to start taking vitamins and a calcium/D supplement and drink his milk.

Ha! I guess you do need a medical degree to get your husband to listen to you.

So he mentioned the other the day the sweetest thing ever.

He said something along the lines of:
"I have never expected to live long. A candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long, but you have a history of longevity in your family, so you'll live longer than me, but you'll break first. You'll be a rusted hooptee that keeps on driving. I'll be the rusted shell with no wheels up on a cinder block. My utility will go like this (waving curve high then precipitously down).... Yours will be a steady decline..."
Well aren't those the most romantic words ever, my friends.

He sees me 95 and broken.

He sees himself going out at 50 in a blaze of glory.

Excuse me? Mr. Glory with a bumb shoulder that makes missionary tricky, knees so bad at 22 that the Army doctor said they looked like an arthritic 45 year old's knees, 2 heart conditions, high cholesterol, and circulatory hand issues??

That's glory?!

You think with my bad back, low sex drive and weight issues that I am broken?? Hullo?

Makes me want to re-new those marital vows...grrrr...to include a death by wife clause if you have nothing nice to say.

He now admits he thought my issues were bigger and now he's been rudely woken up by reality. What is it with men and their superman complexes?

Well, good morning sweetheart.

Welcome to reality.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Mow The LAWN

I told my husband I needed to mow the lawn today. Seriously. Nary one hour ago.

It's often an issue in this marriage. I can't stand it to go un-manicured. He doesn't care. I end up mowing the lawn 98 percent of the time because I can't stand it. I've mowed it nine months pregnant. I have mowed it with sprained ankle. Along with all the other yard work. Edging. Weeding. Trimming. Pruning.


We'll leave that battle for another day. This is not what this post is about....well not really.

So my lovely Stumbleupon friend KimNaturally sent this my way at a rather opportune moment:

Yep, my husband now wants to move to the U.K. Those crazy Brits and their crazy commercials.

Yes, I am sure my husband would leap over mountains to mow that lawn of mine. Sigh.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Teasing Runs In My Blood

Ahhh, feeling the holiday spirit. Spring is in the air. Birds are tweeting. So Easter Greetings:

PB is mortally terrified of zombies. Heh! It's a running joke in this family. And I be her cruel Mommy that loves to pass these on.

Yep, I emailed it to her. Oh, yes I did.

Teasing. Coming from a family of eight? It's in my blood. Right, my big brother Kelly?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Vigilance Lost: Bull'sEye... I'm One of Those Mommies

I try to be a good mom, my friends.

I do try.

I try to keep them generally well-fed, clothed, educated, and clean.

I try to keep them free from boogers, excrement, and all manners of germs. Their shots are up to date as are their annual check ups.

I trim their nails and probably clog their ears with my fastidious Q-tip cleanings of their ears.

I even try to keep them parasite free.

I know. I know. (Nodding my head)

Don't we all?

So for 12 years, 7 months, 16 days, and 18 hours of being a mommy? I succeeded.

Okay, okay, there was that awful pink eye summer, but I blame that on my friend's kids.

So, maybe there was also the nasty plantar wart break out in our house because our kids were showering without flip-flops at the last swim team's public showers. Grrr. It's was definitively nasty teammates' to blame.

But all those were in the past and my kids had been more than schooled on those.

Besides, they weren't our fault really. It was those nasty moms letting their contagious kids come back and spread their pestilence.

Yep, their fault. I blame them.

Yep, blame. It's what we mothers always do when we hear of lice in the classroom.

Or pinkeye flourishing at pre-school.

You know you do. Be honest.

First time I hear about the vermin in the classroom, I pump my kids for information on who has been missing and for how long.

Then I stridently urge my child to not share any clothing items, hats, chairs, carpet space with anyone and especially...

(turn child's head with hand on each cheek to make wide-opened, panicked eye contact)

... that Jimmy who has been missing for two days.

And Maddy?

Stay the hell away from Maddy. I saw her itching in reading groups yesterday.

No worries. I am subtle. Heh!

I was always on the look out for a source of contagion. Always vigilant.

So, somehow, after 12 years, 7 months and... oh let's say 10 days of motherhood, I let my Mommy-dar down.

I started to chill.

To coast even on my mommy responsibilities.

I mean, three kids, 10 different pre-schools, 3 elementary schools, and one middle school and never one nit or louse. Whoop! I am obviously a superior model of motherhood, right?

Five swim teams. Playgroups. Dance. Karate. Endless extra-curriculars.

All parasite free?

Until Li'l Man came down stairs itching on Monday night and pointed to it. What! What?!

I looked and there it was.

The most perfect of red, round scale on his under arm.

I gasped.

I wailed.

I convinced myself I was wrong.

No way was that what I thought it was. No freakin' way.

I reminded myself of the summer of '98 when I was sure Eldest had it, but the doctor insisted it was eczema.

I made an appointment nonetheless after school and gymnastics. I then strip searched every child. Everywhere. Pre-teens were more than embarrassed. Too bad.

Luckily, nothing came up. Just that one glaring red ring of revulsion.

Fast forward to yesterday afternoon. We went in to the doctor's office, the screening nurse looked at it , and took a step back.

I didn't need a doctor at that point. She had made the diagnosis with her step.

The doctor confirmed.

!@#$%^ Ringworm.


He asked about cats? Nope. Dogs? Yes, but they don't have it and they never get walks because of their age and health. I suggested swimming? He said nope. Gymnastics? Bingo!

Very prevalent in gymnastics and wrestling because of mats. He mentioned we were lucky it wasn't on the scalp because he would loose his hair, it was hard to treat in the hair follicles, and it required oral medication.

Suddenly, a memory popped up before my eyes in slow motion. Oh, no. Ohh, no!

I gritted my teeth.

It. Was. Friar. Tuck!

Li'l Man's friend on gymnastics had the oddest circular baldness on the crown of his head. I had thought at the time, he must have gotten a hard knock. He looked somewhat like Friar Tuck and I had even mentioned him to my husband as what an unfortunate place to lose hair.

Now, it was clear. Missing hair. Circular pattern. Head stands. Somersaults on shared mats. Missing from practice the last two weeks.

It's easy to miss a scaly patch in an under arm. His mom had to know with that patch of baldness.

Oh. My . Gott!

It's all his and his mother's fault.

I pumped the doctor for information.

Contagious? Highly. Cover with Tegaderm bandages.

Treatable? Lamisil medicated cream for 3 times a day for three weeks. Add Selsen Blue shampoo. Keep covered with expensive, waterproof, germ barrier Tegaderm bandages at $10 for one package of eight bandages and he'll be fine.

School? Fine because no physical contact.

Gymnastics? Swimming? Book answer is based on when wrestler can come back to wrestle by state regulations--five days after medicated and covered with bandage. School is fine because no physical contact.Three weeks, three bandages a day equals $65 in bandages. Gah!

Then it hit me, my friends.

Bull's eye!

We went to gymnastics right before this appointment. Un-medicated. Without bandage.

Even with his sleeve covering it, we probably spread parasites everywhere on those mats.

Yes, my friends, it's official. I am one of those moms.

Shoot me now.


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