United States of Motherhood: Check Your Snot Rags at the Door, Beeches: A Princess Blogger's Story of Bad Hygiene, Germs and Etiquette

Monday, January 4, 2010

Check Your Snot Rags at the Door, Beeches: A Princess Blogger's Story of Bad Hygiene, Germs and Etiquette

Once upon a time there was a happy little blogger princess named Scout. She wore pink hair because her daughter bequeathed it so and really all those blah blonds just didn't do it for her husband.

{No offense to blonds. Her husband had a pink wig fetish every since he saw Natalie Portman in that movie. You know the one where she was a stripper and there was a pole... and it just so happens my husband is a Pole.}

Anyhoo, one day she was at her most beloved place to go in whole the land (besides napping on the Li'l Man's Island of Sodor) which was called Costco the Market of Marvels.

She happily pranced through the checkout on her minty green pony with much less than she anticipated.

Bonus! No after receipt gulp of regret.

Her knight in Shining Cheapness ahem Prince Charmant CG might have had something to do with it as well.

{As an aside, you might notice the prince looks very suspiciously like Tony Hawk with no hands or pants, but, no he's no Tony Hawk. She definitely couldn't call him the greatest at skateboarding, but he is handy at some things. See Scout still doesn't mind sitting next to him naked even though she gets really annoyed with him talking about that Natalie Portman.}

Back to the thick of it, Scout proudly handed over her golden receipt to the elderly crone checking the slips and counting vats of mayo, slabs of meat and cases of macaroni to ensure their not so speedy exit from the market. Scout had acquired only some bitchin' long johns to keep her cozy whilst exercising, an overly large bag of dried blueberries, and yes, Turbo Tax. Yep, working on those resolutions to suck less.

Sadly, the elderly Costco "lady" blew her monstrous nose into her Kleenex nary seconds before Scout handed over her receipt.

The clouds blackened.

The smell of infection filled the air like smoking lightening bolts.

Oh, no dark germs all around me! Help!

The evil queen mucus then proceeded to take sharpie wand in one hand and hold receipt touching it to the infected tissue to mark it and then hand it back to an aghast Scout.

Scout swooned in disgust and the evil charm was established. Luckily, Scout opened one eye, saw the mystical cure which to the most common eye might look like a vat of antibacterial wash with pump, and vanquished the evil from her dainty hands.


She then proceed to pat down her receipt with the same antibacterial wash. I kid you not. If it was going in this princess' satchel, it needed to be vanquished of all evil as well.

CG rolled his eyes.

Chapter Two:

Now a most noble queen with even nobler intention, Scout went to her gym to work out. The nubile buxom blond vixen at the desk blew a most monstrous blow...

Doesn't she just look like every stuffy-nosed skank you hated in high school?

She then merrily scanned Scout's key ring membership tab with offending rag in hand. She handed Scout locker keys with said mucus plug in her clutches.

She then grabbed two fluffy, still warm white towels with her boogery Kleenex grasped. It was touching Scout's towels. The towels Scout was expected to later dry off her pink bits.


Scout almost died right there. In a puddle of dismay.

She galloped, not pranced her little pony with a tight little smile to the wall dispenser of cure in front of the ladies' lockers.

Never has a pony galloped so daintily!

She washed down both sets of keys. She put both fluffy towels straight into the laundry basket. She eyed everything else in the gym with dismay. But there were the Resolutions! Okay, okay...

After her two hour work out whilst watching delicious eye candy like E and reading trashy People mags hoping the Vixen had touched neither, she obviously forewent the shower and went straight home. Hoping this would be an excuse never to return.

Oh, wait, the resolutions. Le sigh...

Chapter Three:

Scout is now armed with antibacterial wash in her satchel, in her car, and plans to wear surgical gloves in public. Doest though think anyone will notice?

Scout used to teehee at people wearing medical masks, but with today's dangerous pitfalls of etiquette and personal hygiene, she wonders if they come in pink? She thinks she might much rather put one of these on the nasty little monsters to contain their vermin:

Do You Think Crone & Vixen wear a small or medium Elizabethan Collar?

In the meantime, Scout is not living happily ever after.




Next person who touches her or her stuff with a dirty tissue dies a most horrible death of public humiliation from her dramatic gross out. Ask CG. Scout can be quite dramatic when she wants to be.



Seriously, what the ever living $%^&??

Who are these women who blow their nose in public and then touch it to people's stuff? Have they never heard of discarding their damp tissue before interacting with the public?

Bird Flu? Pig Flu? Sound familiar? Heard of them?

Cute today?

Surrounded in evil germy darkness the next.

I am certain squirrel flu is next.

Don't believe me?

First there is one.

Then there are two of those zombie little fockers & there's a hole in my grass seed in the shed.

So to all you nasty personal hygiene hags out there? This mommy has a rule that the kids should wash hands after blowing and discarding tissue.

What planet are you on and how are still being paid to infect other people? I sense a vast conspiracy afoot with infecting the masses so they come back to buy vats of NyQuil.

Regardless? I keeeeill you next time... I have a Nerf gun and know how to use it.



Aeptah said...

AMEN to that! Drat the dastardly dispensers of disease! (good alliteration, yes?? ;-))

Janessa said...

This is exactly why I hardly go out of the house in the winter - I send the hubby to do the errands. :)

Anonymous said...

Your pink hair and minty green pony are delightful! If I was a man I know I wouldn't prefer blonds. But then again I might not be a gentleman, either.

I hope you don't get sick. Bean and I had the Baxter swine flu vaccine and felt fine afterwards so I recommend it.


Debby said...

Hilarious, only because it's so true. Not only do people DO these disgusting things but they don't even care that people see this stuff. Makes you never want to leave home! I'm enjoying your blog and since you have a small daughter, you might enjoy following mine, written by me and my grown daughters. If you like us, add us to your blogroll. Thanks!

Scout's Honor said...

Heh! Thanks for for comments.

And yes, I have the sniffles now.

Some people suck. Especially when they are grown adults who touch me or my stuff with infected agents. GAH!!!

Also, I was going to post an email that Misty sent me, but then I deleted it because I think it should come from me (Thanks for your email Misty):

Debby, you seem like a nice person and I am glad you are blogging, but making spammy comments and advertising your blog like that on my posts or any other bloggers posts are a little much. The first time was a faux pas that I understood as being an enthusiastic new blogger, but doing it again seems a bit uncool. People will check out your site on their own if you leave comments and write a good blog. More information is available here:


But the main idea is this one:

"Don't use the comments section to advertise your blog: Your profile can provide that information. "

Scary Mommy also had a great post about commenting too:

"The Shameless Pluggers: If you have something relevant to link, go ahead, but just posting “I have a great giveaway, be sure to visit!” pisses the hell out of me. Maybe add it at the end of a relevant comment. Maybe, but at least make an effort to say something else first. And what about the people who insist on leaving their url everywhere they visit? If your comment is worth following, I’ll click on your avatar and be brought to your blog. Typing it out won’t help you gain any readers."

I want to give you this info because I know as a new blogger, I am positive I did the same thing and upset people. I wish someone had told me sooner.



love in other words said...

sadly this is so true. i have started to wage my own personal war to combat it though. recently while waiting at the drive-thru window at chik-fil-a for our food, the woman in the window sneezed, then blew her nose, and THEN handed me my food. i took the bag, drove around to the front, went inside and asked to speak to the manager. i then requested new food and my money back. it worked. maybe now the manager will try to be more vigilant about his employees wiping their snot on people's lunches.

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