Interrupted: Pensive & Pondering Legacy
Where have I been?!
I last left you hanging with brain scans looming.
Be not afraid, my friends. Scout's noggin seems to hurt for no reason at all. I am free of tumors, aneurysms, and all sorts of friendly aliens in my head including the rocks CG suggested. Hmmmph!
It seems apparent that I was the supreme Dr. Google and cluster headaches seem most likely. For now, I am happy to be pain free and invincible...
Except for that pesky liver disease and need to choose a surgical option before I bleed to death part. Sigh. Invincible I tell you!
Instead of keeping you all apprised (many, many thanks for all the emails, FB messages, Twitter & StumbleUpon DMs--You guys do care!), I spent the kid's winter break on a sundry of sports and busy.
First up was a two day swim meet with a first sectional time made for PB and an AAA time for Eldest...
Interrupted only with Li'l Man's vomit through out the entirety of CG's Mini's backseat and on library books (Gah!) and the other two DQ-ing several of their events. Li'l Man now holds the record in the Scouty family for producing bile: 12 times in 8 hours. Joy!
Between the yuck, PB and CG went on their traditional Daddy Daughter Dance. So sweet. I love moments like these which were only interrupted by the clenching of my heart as I realized this was their very last dance:
Besides stomach plagues, we spent vacation skiing one day as a family and another day I made the trip to take the kids with all sorts of intentions of blogging in the lodge....
Interrupted again by a dead battery and three kids and two friends chomping at the bit to ski and a looming deadline for ski lessons enrolled. Stress!
Blessed be CG for managing to test, deem battery truly dead, and going out to buy a new battery at 7 AM while I was woefully tasked to find where to get battery (Success!) and to "unscrew old battery" whilst having freaky thoughts of being interrupted by electrocution (not so good) which somehow turned into me losing a nut in the engine never to be found (If the SUV dies, it will be ALL my fault) and dropping the bolt somewhere else in the engine.
Happily, I survived. I am invincible.
Turns out, as CG pointed out, nut was crimped on and was never meant to come off--only loosened as he said he, "Told me to do."
{Eyebrow raise}
This explains why it was so hard to get that @#$%^& nut off. Heh!
We arrived at skiing and suddenly thoughts of blogging my life and thoughts left my head and I took in the gorgeous day. Sadly?
Interrupted again this time by Eldest's hugely swollen thumb and wrist from a snowboarding spill. Note to self: Taking a kid's friend snowboarding with kids often results in unwarranted risk-taking, black diamonds and injury. Not a big surprise there. My kids are just naturally too breakable. Remember this:
Swim mom that I am, I was more worried about what his swim coach would say. Heh. Coach had made me promise he wouldn't get hurt. Ooops!
We went straight from skiing to swim practice with pulsating wrist. Poor coach said he had been thinking about Eldest all day and worrying. Yep, it is now apparent skiing and serious competitive swimming don't mix.
Eldest made the decision to interrupt our third ski trip planned that week.
That's OK. That left room for house cleaning, a visiting dinner guest, planting the hundreds of sprouting bulbs as always I never found the time to plant in fall, finally conquering the green algae bloom we've had in the fish tank for months with massive, multiple water changes and evil chemicals, swimathon donation canvassing, and starting up a worm farm in MY PANTRY!!!
Yes, my friends, it's science experimenting time again and at least there's not rotting chicken in my coat closet this time. Joy!
And oh, yes, more, more and more swim practices. Add some futzing with yearbook pages and lots of time doing the Swim Team Pool Rep thang. Joy!
In all this busy that I am sure is like all your own, I heard a clang. Interrupted.
My sister miscarried. Interrupted.
A sharp fist in my heart. Then another. Interrupted.
Something stopped me in my tracks cold. Interrupted.
An old friend that served with me on the PTA board and countless class parties. A friend with three sons, two who are in the same grades and are the same age as my sons. A friend whose husband coached Li'l Man's basketball team last year and whose baby came to our crazy Mountain Dew fueled sleepover weeks ago. The same little boy who is Li'l Man's deskmate in his 2nd grade class?
Heartbreakingly? She died over this winter break.
I can only imagine that during my busy mommy bluster and wondering when the kids' school vacation would end, she was saying goodbye to her babies one last time thankful for those last school free days.
I knew she had cancer. Non-hodgkins lymphoma. I first heard about it from other moms over one summer break. I saw her colorful scarves over the last two years and spoke briefly with her at the Halloween party I headed up in our sons' class.
I never asked about her cancer. I was afraid. I didn't know how. Didn't have the words.
Never assumed it would interrupt her life. Her family's life.
Mommies are invincible. They are needed. They can't leave.
I got the email from another mommy friend this last week-end that she was gone and immediately thought this cannot be true. My mind refused it.
As we told our kids, I saw the fear in their eyes. The tremble of a little chin as Li'l Man realized his friend's mom was lost. Lost was that belief that Moms will always be there. Mothers, young or not, are not invincible.
For the last three days, my mind keeps mulling it over. Keeps mourning the loss. Trying to make sense where there can be no sense made.
Yesterday, I spent hours going over the high school course catalog with Eldest.
We planned out the next four years of courses. The registration forms asked for dreams and career aspiration from my eighth grader. We were still writing head bent together at out kitchen table. We sat dreaming and speculating about a career for Eldest in sports medicine when Li'l Man came home from school with the letter.
Interrupted.
The school counselor had discussed the loss in class. The letter was formalizing what we already knew to be true. Her baby would be back in school tomorrow.
I suddenly realized her eldest would be in high school too and she should be at her kitchen table, the one I sat at as we audited the PTA books so many years ago, with her Eldest dreaming...
I weep.
What do I take from this beyond how very precious life is? How silly it is to get frustrated with so much time with one's kids when others will never ever have enough?
She left us all too soon. 41 year old. Three young boys. Her legacy.
I think manically of all the things I put off over the years. All my dreams. All my goals. All my failings. My to-dos.
Before the break, I told Li'l Man's 2nd grade teacher I had some health issues that would not allow volunteering bi-weekly in the classroom as before. I gave no details.
With another mom in his class so very ill, he took it quite seriously. Too seriously for my comfort. He asked if the kids should see counselors. I almost felt like a fraud at the time, but the headaches, my period, my liver, add high blood pressure and cholesterol and doctor's warnings and this time for some reason, I was heeding.
I did not even go to the kids' Valentine's party the day before break. The first time this mommy has ever missed a class party in eight years. Oh, the guilt.
I thought the kids would not notice. They did. They commented. They wondered. Li'l Man told me he liked me there even if I did not plan the party. PB insisted my parties were the best and was disappointed.
I started to cave. Then I said wait. No, I needed to take care of myself for these kids.
Now, that sentiment is foremost in my mind with a young mother gone.
It interrupts any guilt I feel for not taking on the volunteer load I have had in the past. I need to concentrate on me so hopefully I am around for my kids' high school graduations, and college, and weddings, and grandbabies. Those are all better than a class party, board meetings, and hours spent laying out yearbooks rather than excising and eating right and making those appointments for needed medical procedures.
I still may be interrupted because no one truly chooses. She did not choose. However, I can do what I can and sadly I wonder if I have started too late? Interruptions never happen when you expect.
I feel the clock ticking. I worry about my legacy.
One thing I can be sure of? My kids are my legacy to the world.
And my legacy to them?
This blog and those cursed bulbs are my legacy for my kids to remember me by. If ever my life is interrupted, I hope those blooms show up when life seems coldest and these words here in this blog remind them of how much they were loved and how much hope I have for them when their lives fill with despair.
As for my friend? I repeat. She left us all too soon. 41 year old. Three young boys. Her legacy.
I hugged Li'l Man today ferociously. Too tight.
I whispered fiercely in his ear to be sure to hug her baby tight today in class...
He promised he would.
I last left you hanging with brain scans looming.
Be not afraid, my friends. Scout's noggin seems to hurt for no reason at all. I am free of tumors, aneurysms, and all sorts of friendly aliens in my head including the rocks CG suggested. Hmmmph!
It seems apparent that I was the supreme Dr. Google and cluster headaches seem most likely. For now, I am happy to be pain free and invincible...
Except for that pesky liver disease and need to choose a surgical option before I bleed to death part. Sigh. Invincible I tell you!
Instead of keeping you all apprised (many, many thanks for all the emails, FB messages, Twitter & StumbleUpon DMs--You guys do care!), I spent the kid's winter break on a sundry of sports and busy.
First up was a two day swim meet with a first sectional time made for PB and an AAA time for Eldest...
Interrupted only with Li'l Man's vomit through out the entirety of CG's Mini's backseat and on library books (Gah!) and the other two DQ-ing several of their events. Li'l Man now holds the record in the Scouty family for producing bile: 12 times in 8 hours. Joy!
Between the yuck, PB and CG went on their traditional Daddy Daughter Dance. So sweet. I love moments like these which were only interrupted by the clenching of my heart as I realized this was their very last dance:
Besides stomach plagues, we spent vacation skiing one day as a family and another day I made the trip to take the kids with all sorts of intentions of blogging in the lodge....
Interrupted again by a dead battery and three kids and two friends chomping at the bit to ski and a looming deadline for ski lessons enrolled. Stress!
Blessed be CG for managing to test, deem battery truly dead, and going out to buy a new battery at 7 AM while I was woefully tasked to find where to get battery (Success!) and to "unscrew old battery" whilst having freaky thoughts of being interrupted by electrocution (not so good) which somehow turned into me losing a nut in the engine never to be found (If the SUV dies, it will be ALL my fault) and dropping the bolt somewhere else in the engine.
Happily, I survived. I am invincible.
Turns out, as CG pointed out, nut was crimped on and was never meant to come off--only loosened as he said he, "Told me to do."
{Eyebrow raise}
This explains why it was so hard to get that @#$%^& nut off. Heh!
We arrived at skiing and suddenly thoughts of blogging my life and thoughts left my head and I took in the gorgeous day. Sadly?
Interrupted again this time by Eldest's hugely swollen thumb and wrist from a snowboarding spill. Note to self: Taking a kid's friend snowboarding with kids often results in unwarranted risk-taking, black diamonds and injury. Not a big surprise there. My kids are just naturally too breakable. Remember this:
Swim mom that I am, I was more worried about what his swim coach would say. Heh. Coach had made me promise he wouldn't get hurt. Ooops!
We went straight from skiing to swim practice with pulsating wrist. Poor coach said he had been thinking about Eldest all day and worrying. Yep, it is now apparent skiing and serious competitive swimming don't mix.
Eldest made the decision to interrupt our third ski trip planned that week.
That's OK. That left room for house cleaning, a visiting dinner guest, planting the hundreds of sprouting bulbs as always I never found the time to plant in fall, finally conquering the green algae bloom we've had in the fish tank for months with massive, multiple water changes and evil chemicals, swimathon donation canvassing, and starting up a worm farm in MY PANTRY!!!
Yes, my friends, it's science experimenting time again and at least there's not rotting chicken in my coat closet this time. Joy!
And oh, yes, more, more and more swim practices. Add some futzing with yearbook pages and lots of time doing the Swim Team Pool Rep thang. Joy!
In all this busy that I am sure is like all your own, I heard a clang. Interrupted.
My sister miscarried. Interrupted.
A sharp fist in my heart. Then another. Interrupted.
Something stopped me in my tracks cold. Interrupted.
An old friend that served with me on the PTA board and countless class parties. A friend with three sons, two who are in the same grades and are the same age as my sons. A friend whose husband coached Li'l Man's basketball team last year and whose baby came to our crazy Mountain Dew fueled sleepover weeks ago. The same little boy who is Li'l Man's deskmate in his 2nd grade class?
Heartbreakingly? She died over this winter break.
I can only imagine that during my busy mommy bluster and wondering when the kids' school vacation would end, she was saying goodbye to her babies one last time thankful for those last school free days.
I knew she had cancer. Non-hodgkins lymphoma. I first heard about it from other moms over one summer break. I saw her colorful scarves over the last two years and spoke briefly with her at the Halloween party I headed up in our sons' class.
I never asked about her cancer. I was afraid. I didn't know how. Didn't have the words.
Never assumed it would interrupt her life. Her family's life.
Mommies are invincible. They are needed. They can't leave.
I got the email from another mommy friend this last week-end that she was gone and immediately thought this cannot be true. My mind refused it.
As we told our kids, I saw the fear in their eyes. The tremble of a little chin as Li'l Man realized his friend's mom was lost. Lost was that belief that Moms will always be there. Mothers, young or not, are not invincible.
For the last three days, my mind keeps mulling it over. Keeps mourning the loss. Trying to make sense where there can be no sense made.
Yesterday, I spent hours going over the high school course catalog with Eldest.
We planned out the next four years of courses. The registration forms asked for dreams and career aspiration from my eighth grader. We were still writing head bent together at out kitchen table. We sat dreaming and speculating about a career for Eldest in sports medicine when Li'l Man came home from school with the letter.Interrupted.
The school counselor had discussed the loss in class. The letter was formalizing what we already knew to be true. Her baby would be back in school tomorrow.
I suddenly realized her eldest would be in high school too and she should be at her kitchen table, the one I sat at as we audited the PTA books so many years ago, with her Eldest dreaming...
I weep.
What do I take from this beyond how very precious life is? How silly it is to get frustrated with so much time with one's kids when others will never ever have enough?
She left us all too soon. 41 year old. Three young boys. Her legacy.
I think manically of all the things I put off over the years. All my dreams. All my goals. All my failings. My to-dos.
Before the break, I told Li'l Man's 2nd grade teacher I had some health issues that would not allow volunteering bi-weekly in the classroom as before. I gave no details.
With another mom in his class so very ill, he took it quite seriously. Too seriously for my comfort. He asked if the kids should see counselors. I almost felt like a fraud at the time, but the headaches, my period, my liver, add high blood pressure and cholesterol and doctor's warnings and this time for some reason, I was heeding.
I did not even go to the kids' Valentine's party the day before break. The first time this mommy has ever missed a class party in eight years. Oh, the guilt.
I thought the kids would not notice. They did. They commented. They wondered. Li'l Man told me he liked me there even if I did not plan the party. PB insisted my parties were the best and was disappointed.
I started to cave. Then I said wait. No, I needed to take care of myself for these kids.
Now, that sentiment is foremost in my mind with a young mother gone.
It interrupts any guilt I feel for not taking on the volunteer load I have had in the past. I need to concentrate on me so hopefully I am around for my kids' high school graduations, and college, and weddings, and grandbabies. Those are all better than a class party, board meetings, and hours spent laying out yearbooks rather than excising and eating right and making those appointments for needed medical procedures.
I still may be interrupted because no one truly chooses. She did not choose. However, I can do what I can and sadly I wonder if I have started too late? Interruptions never happen when you expect.
I feel the clock ticking. I worry about my legacy.
One thing I can be sure of? My kids are my legacy to the world.
And my legacy to them?
This blog and those cursed bulbs are my legacy for my kids to remember me by. If ever my life is interrupted, I hope those blooms show up when life seems coldest and these words here in this blog remind them of how much they were loved and how much hope I have for them when their lives fill with despair.
As for my friend? I repeat. She left us all too soon. 41 year old. Three young boys. Her legacy.
I hugged Li'l Man today ferociously. Too tight.
I whispered fiercely in his ear to be sure to hug her baby tight today in class...
He promised he would.
8 Witty Comments For Me:
Wow.
I'm very glad to hear that there is nothing wrong with your brain. I could insert a joke here but I'm not gonna...
I'm sorry about your sister and your friend. Being dealt whammies like that can definitely put one off of one's blogging.
So sorry for your sister's miscarriage. Even sorrier for the loss of your friend, but glad that her passing was a wake-up call to trim your insane schedule and take care of YOU.
So glad to hear you are ok. You have had more than your share of troubles....
Life sometimes can be pretty shitty. I truly understand where you are coming from.
I've had cancer twice. I first had it at 18. That woke me up early. this isn't a practice session. Shit happens. Don't ask why me, say why not me and get on with it.
I just got my youngest home last week from his 16th? 17th? back surgery. (There have been so many I have lost track) He will have maybe another 15-20 surgeries to go.
Plan for the future, focus on the now. Spend what time you can with your kids, not worrying about how you are going to do x or y. Your kids need you. You need your kids, your husband.
Guess I am saying that its good that you are taking care of yourself. Don't sell yourself short. It's never too late to start. Be the best you that you can be. It doesn't matter if the cupboards haven't been dusted, or that the furniture doesn't match. That is superficial crap. The kids are going to remember how you took care of you and them, and the times you and the hubby have spent doing things with them, even the crappy times. I promise.
Beki
Yet another great post. I love you very much because you are a great Mom and Wife.
And for the record, there are no tears Welling in my eyes right now. Yeah, right.
One of the biggest wake-up calls for me was losing my sister to non-smoking related lung cancer at the age of 25. She was diagnosed 2 days after her son was born, died when he was 4 1/2 months old.
I ended up leaving a relationship that I did not realize how unhappy I was with until I actually left. One of the things I realized was that I wanted children and I never could have them with him, yet I could no longer lie to myself and say I didn't want them either.
I've also learned that sometimes you got to take care of you. In a Weight Watchers meeting, we talked about how the airplane safety always says to put on your air mask before you help your child. If you are incapacitated, you can't help your child. In the same vain, how can you be there for your kids, if you aren't there for yourself? It's not neglecting them. It's being healthy so you will be there for them.
I'm sorry about your sister and your friend. Those are both difficult losses to deal with.
Glad to hear you are ok .. I missed your blog very much --- you are that little bit of perspective that is much needed in the chaos of my days.
I am sooo sorry about your sister and your friend. It is my only nightmare -- that I wont be around to see my son grow-up and that he is too young to remember me if something happens to me now.
take care of yourself!!
My last comment was re: the Alice in Wonderland J.Depp circus show. That's a whole nother business.
I hope you are feeling better? You touched on so much that IS life. Kids, family, cars, love, loss, death and health. i hope you know that in my opinion- you got it right... except for one thing- this is not the last father/dance by a long shot.
hugs,
Mari
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