United States of Motherhood: December 2010

Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy Holidays & Wishing You a Great 2011

My New Year's resolution? Health, happiness, and being here more often. And you?

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Another Friday Night Funny: Extraneous Lyrics

Stressed out? Holidays getting you down?

Me too.

Too much to do and no motivation. No tree up still. House a mess. No menu planned. Cold sores from financial stress. Doctor says I need to go in for a liver biopsy. Sigh...

There's something to be said for playing ostrich.

Put your head in the sand.

Take a break.

The wrapping can wait.

The house doesn't need to be clean.

Grab some wine and enjoy:


Now take a deep breath. Feel better? I do too. Glad to help! Now go extraneously procreate with your significant others like bunnies.

Happy holidays, my friends.

PS Still not smiling? I dare you not to smile to this one:

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Church of Soap and Hot Water Welcomes You

I know you'll laugh, but I pray to the altar of hot water and soap. Oh, yes, I do. After years of getting sick every time one of my three @#$%^ germy kids so much as looked in my direction, I took extreme measures.

When the kids come home, they do not hug me, do not touch door knobs, and do not pass go... until they bee-line to the bathroom and wash their hands for the requisite length of the "Happy Birthday" song.

Seriously, I screeech if they so much as dare to try to brush my cheek with a kiss. Their play date friends are instructed to put their hands in the air like blood-splashed surgeons. Touch nothing. Go straight to my porcelain and pewter altar downstairs sink.

Touch your face? Wipe your nose?

Lights flash! Alarms sound! Back, back, back to the bathroom you go!

Call me immuno-compromised, call me obsessive, call me soap prophetess, but call me 90 percent less sick these last two years than all the years before that. Seriously.

I don't use antibacterial soap or alcohol hand washes. Simple soap and H2O does the trick. So imagine my surprise when I found a new hymnal for my worship:

Yes, my friends. I am a WashYourHandsingtonian? And you? Join my cult or you might get the heeby-geeby stink eye from me next time you come to my house.

Updated: Do you think the Washington Department of Health will give me a break on my income taxes for doing their job and spreading their message? Oh, wait, Washington doesn't even have a state income tax. Ohhh, Washington, I love thee!!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Grandma Got Molested at The Airport

Ah, the holidays and TSA...

She saw them cuppin' grandpa's balls and wiener.

Happy Travels!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Yeah, I will say it again. Bahfuckinghumbug. How could you Macy's? How could you toss a 20 year Santa of your employee out on the street weeks before Christmas over a silly joke that wasn't even offensive?

I know. It must have been because some elitest, meany, humorless adults that shouldn't have been sitting on a Santa's lap anyway have not the slightest inclination to smile at a silly, harmless joke.

Viva Santa John!!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

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