United States of Motherhood: January 2011

Friday, January 28, 2011

Weight Loss: Let's Get This Party Started

Let's get this party started!  I need to burn more calories in less time so I can clean my house and take down my freakin' Xmas tree (Yep, still up).  

Not every day can I be performing a six hour stroll and neglect the rest.  So today commenced "The couch to 5k program."  

I will not lie.  I hated every last @#$% minute of it.  

I walked a 2 mph warm up mile on the instrument of torture called my Nordic Track treadmill.  Then alternated a 5 mph jog for 60 seconds, with a 3 mph 90 second walk. It was supposed to be a 20 minute alternating program, but funny enough,  when I am moaning, shrieking, charlie horsing, and my shin is tortuously splitting in two, I can't do math.  

So idiot that I am, I continued a brutal extra FIVE minutes. Kill me now!

Funny enough about the start of that extra five minutes, I couldn't take it anymore and lowered the incline from 3.5 to 2.  

Luckily, CG is not coming home from his business trip until this afternoon because I am sure everyone in the neighbor heard me shrieking, moaning, grunting, gasping, and swearing f@#$...over and over.  Heh!  Yep, you think I am windy on this blog, you have no idea how verbal I can be whence impassioned.

I am sure he'd think my imaginary lover Bob was here. 

I also ranted to myself that I was going to be my own Tiger Mom.  Yes,  I talked to myself. I vacillated between:
"This sucks sooo ugly bad,"  and, "Damn it, your body works, you aren't in a wheel chair, so move your ass, private."
Okay, maybe less Tiger Mom and more channeling my drill sergeant's abusive  schtick from Fort Jackson's Basic Training.  

"Yes, Drill Sergeant, I am drilling myself because this is bullshit that I let it get this far.  Yes, Drill Sergeant,  I am getting pissed off.  So  I will work my mind and body for that which does not kill me, only makes me stronger.  Yes, Drill sergeant, there is no room for tears. Tears are like Maaaag-nets to Drill Sergeants. "
{Commence pecking of smokey the bear hat in my face}  

Or so goes the internal diatribe in my head.  I so double dog wish I had my actual Drill Sergeants kicking my ass right now.

(Tears, magnets, and pecking hat are a true story)

Back to being my own personal self-emotionally-abusive Tiger mom: One of Amy Chu's positions is that children don't truly love anything until they are good at it.  I have to say, not only do I not love running, I hate it with a mothaf@#$% passion.  

I hated it in the Army.  I hated it in school.  However, I am determined to be good at it and my strength and coordination is that of a child.  Maybe Amy is right.  Maybe I will love it eventually. I do know for damn sure that my liver will love it.

For now, I cool down very slowly--plodding on another mile...

3.78 miles walked/run        661 calories       1 hour 40 minutes

You've Heard of Wordless Wednesday, So How About F@#$ing Friday

Okay, you knew I really couldn't be wordless, didn't you?  I am windy by nature.  Very windy.

Anyway, as of yesterday, I've walked 65 miles in 15 days.  All that walking gives me time to truly think.  To think about my dreams, my desires, and I've realized I have stuffed those so deep that they were almost smothered.


Singing Schnoodle

CAUTION " AREA PATROLLED BY SCHNOODLE SECURITY CO. " PARKING SIGN DOGYep, it's far too late to be up.  Far too late.

I can't sleep.

Since killing cable, there's nothing on TV.

Yet, I find a gem on the internet. 

Yes, something more dramatic that the screaming match I had with my teenage son this afternoon.  My friends?  I introduce you to the singing schnoodle:

I couldn't help it.  It made me laugh.  Yep, now your life is complete, right?  You can thank me later.  Or show your eternal gratitude by sending me some Fran's Salted Caramels.  Mmmmmm....

Fore, what is the antidote to teenage stress for a mother other than salted chocolate caramels?

Oh, wait, maybe the wine glass in my hand, gifted from us to my in-laws at Christmas, which they didn't want so kindly sent back to us.  Set of 8 Reidel glasses, anyone?  Yes, me, me!!

Yes, very stress relieving indeed when filled with a nice Cab.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

GIVEAWAY: GnomeBody Loves You Betta [CLOSED]

Yes, gnomebody loves you better that me, my friends.


That's why I am excited to be offering the chance to enter-to-win prize packs and free tickets for the advanced screening in Seattle of the upcoming Touchstone film GNOMEO and Juliet on February 5th.

Awesome, eh? See a movie FREE a week before anyone else!

Even better? Receive a FREE T-shirt, beanie, notepad, poster, and a ticket which admits two to the advance screening. Did I mention FREE?

[Official Gnomeo and juliet Trailer]

The rules:

No duplicate comments. Every comment, every Facebook share, every tweet, every Reddit Share, and every StumbleUpon review counts toward an entry.

You may receive (5) total entries daily by selecting any and all of the following entry methods:

1) Leave a comment in response to this post on what you are looking forward to about the movie
2) Tweet about this promotion and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this post
3) Blog about this promotion and leave the URL to that post in a comment on this post
4) Share this on Reddit and submit URL in a comment on this post

5) Review and up this on Stumbleupon and send your username in a comment on this post

Three lucky winners will be selected via random draw and will be notified via Facebook, Stumbleupon, Facebook, Reddit, or tweet (based on what information you give) as well as on the post in the comments. So please subscribe to the comments so you know if you are a winner.
Winners will have 24 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected.

Come on!! Gnomebody can pass down a free date with your guy, gal, or special little kiddo, can they?

UPDATED: Contest Ends 10 AM PST on Monday, January 31, 2011.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Weight Loss: Struggling To Find Balance

Exhibit One

Yep. that is exactly what you think it is. Yes, I have a @#$%@# tree up on January 24th. What? You don't?

Exhibit Two

Yes, these are the miles I have walked since pulling my head from the sand. Forty-seven miles in eleven days. Daily Mile is motivating. Care to join me?

Exhibit Three

My treadmill desk. Yes, this quite literally is an old piece of desk, some boards, and a towel delicately balanced on my treadmill.

This is how I am doing it.

I write? I walk.
I email? I walk.
I snail mail? I walk.
I edit pictures? I walk.

Watching House? It's done on the big, ugly treadmill in the middle of my family room that is impossible to ignore.

My friends? There is no balance when one is fighting for one's life. None! I've got to get this done.

Quite frankly, that tree stands. It can stay up until next bloody Christmas...or until I hit my first 30 lbs. lost.

Good news? I've lost 5 lbs. That tree has almost one strike against it. Better? I've walked another 1.85 miles writing this post. Take that!

In the meantime, do you think the neighbors will mind seeing a Christmas tree in my window at Easter? Heh!

Images via by Digitalnative /Flickr

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Starved: Dieting, Numbness, Weakness

Sigh... Le sigh...

Yep, it's a two sigh post. I've not been feeling so very scrumptious lately.

I just realized it's days until my Li'l Man's birthday. I have absolutely nothing planned. No party yet on the horizon.

In the past, I would have bought an extravagant gift and planned a huge, costly party and been done with it. This year? I've made all kinds of ridiculous resolutions to cut out costs.

We killed the land line.

We got rid of premium cable.

Scrubbed the house like a mad woman for the appraisal.

Made mad promises not to eat out for a year.

So back to that birthday?

This year we are tightening the belt. Refinancing.

Trying to escape credit card debt. No money for birthdays like in the past. Will he be disappointed?

My stress levels rise.

Budget diet...sigh.

Yesterday, I met with a specialist about my liver. Diagnosis? Non-alcoholic Fatty Liver disease. I narrowly escaped an invasive liver biopsy with the promise of losing 30 lbs in 6 months and then coming back to be re-tested.

How did I react? Left the office with fuckingfantasticthankyouverymuch diet intentions.

I asked Twitter for advice.

I planned to exercise daily.

I had visions of a diet of no white flour, little fat, and tons of fresh veggies and fruits.

Then hosting a play date, working on team fundraisers, trying to keep up with email, writing deadlines, husband absent due to meeting, homework help, kids five sports practices , and everything about everyone, but me distracted me.

I allowed life to distract me.

I fell back to old habits. I made a quick, cheesy, creamy pasta with meatballs for dinner with items on hand.

White flour? Check.
Cheese and Fat? Double check.
Veggies? Do sun-dried tomatoes soaked in oil count?

Then for breakfast? More of that leftover pasta, emotional stuffed in my mouth whilst finishing a post pasts it's deadline. Escape!

The post done. The tupperware of pasta done. I felt that familiar release. Stress gone.

Finally being alone.

Kids at school.

Husband working.

No one needing anything from me.

I stuffed myself. I tried to stuff my soul like so many American women with white flour and fat. It worked for just a few minutes before I remembered those promises. I remembered my liver. I remembered how carrying around this extra 90 lbs. makes me feel. I remembered wanting to actually be around for my children.

So much for that diet, eh?

I hurt myself with food like a teenager cuts themselves. It's numbing at first. Then comes the shame.

I hate myself. No one likes fat people. It reminds them of weakness. I am weak. I hate myself without relief.

The stress returns. The kids are out of school in two hours. Kid activities starts in three. Dinner needs to be made. Finances addressed. Birthdays planned.

I feel worthless. I feel bloated with self-loathing. I feel starved. I feel empty.

Images via by Stargazer95050/ Flickr, wearetherealdeal.com & by aqbastian/ Flickr

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Chinese Moms ARE Superior (Nodding My Robot Head)

Ummm... sorry to all you American moms, but yer definitely doin' it all wrong!! Heh!

I ran across a blazing Sino-centric essay this week-end on the Wall Street Journal, written by a Yale law professor and mother. Dumfoundedly, I read how Western mothers were ruining their kids.

Coddling them. Unnecessarily instilling self-esteem and balance to their children lives.

Allowing them to go on (gasp) play dates and slumber parties. Worse? Allowing them to be in a school play.

It just gets worse...

All we silly Western women should just give up now. That's my story and I am sticking to it for the state of my messy house, maxed credit, and the fact I give unnecessary hugs and outward displays of affection to my children.

And yes, I have a play date scheduled for my Li'l Man tomorrow. Oh the shame!

I blame my Western mom, It was because she raised me wrong. She definitely gave me far too many kisses...

I know. You are shocked. Don't have a heart attack, but I was also the lead in my church play.

Oh, the dishonor!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Squee I Made Newsy

Ahhh... I can tell it's going to be a good week-end. I have a ridiculous grin on my face.

Why? Why!

Someone likes my cheeky writing. Squee!!

Multisource political news, world news, and entertainment news analysis by Newsy.com

You ask: How awesome is it to be quoted as a legitimate news source? Very awesome!!

You ask: How much more awesome is it when it includes a cheeky title that made you giggle as you were writing it and then you hear your words quoted in a well-modulated, serious, journalistic tone? Yes, she actually said, " A remarkable increase in women being 'banged' to death?" Priceless!!

My gawd! How did the news anchor keep such a straight face with that quote??

I am impressed. Heh!

You can find my original post at CafeMom's The Stir.

{Still smiling in Seattle}

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