United States of Motherhood: April 2011

Friday, April 29, 2011

Kate Middleton's Bad Romance (VIDEO)

Yep, before the stunning, modern Chantilly dress (which shhh I don't really like that much) and sweet William whispers of "I love you," and "You look boo-ti-ful," we look at what could have been:

Many thanks to Carrie of Stop Screaming, I'm Driving cluing me in to the other royal romance!Link

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Awesome Sauce: Epic 11k Calorie Lasagna Recipe

"I bet you WISH you had the metabolism to eat this, hater! I'm ten years old!”
Now this is a recipe my kids can get behind...grab the Pepto-Bismal and stock up on Charmin extra soft, my friends!

CafeMom's The Stir: Transgender Prisoner Demands Sex Change on Taxpayer's Dime

Here's my latest at CafeMom's The Stir:


Read the complete article here

"In the wise words of Lady Gaga, yes, baby, you were born that way. However, there's no compelling argument that you deserve better than everyday citizens. You made your bed. You committed your crime as a man. Now live with it ... as a man. Man up!"

Friday, April 22, 2011

Motherhood: My 11 Year Old 'Likes' Victoria Secret So I Planted the Gross Seed

My husband is trolling on Facebook and calls me over and wildly stabs a finger in the general direction of his laptop screen. His eyes are wild and wide like only those a father of a daughter can have.

Yep, right there in the right column it glows that our 11 year old daughter "likes" Victoria Secret.

My husband looks stunned.

I, with eyebrow so raised I think it might stick there permanently, call her itty-bitty sixth grade tush in from jumping on the trampoline.

Me: Hey PB!

PB: [expectantly] Yes? Hey Mom!

Me: [cutting straight to the chase] Victoria Secret is lingerie and sexy underwear for women. who. have. sex.

PB: Ewww!

Me: Yep, women who have SEXXXXXX!

PB: Ewwww!

Me: Yep, you might want to keep that in mind the next time you "LIKE" something on Facebook.

Something tells me she thought Victoria Secret was perfume and lip gloss. Those panties above are from their teen centric raising girls to get herpes Pink section.

They lure them in as preteens with lip gloss and teeny pink sweats and then start 'em young on a life of butt floss and push up wires.

Now, I've firmly planted the "gross" seed. I am hoping it will grow and stick for at least a few more years.

Mission accomplished. My work here it done, but wait...

I admit, I have been always been a customer of VS, but this latest start 'em early campaign kills me as a mom. They are not alone. You may have heard of the padded bikini tops for EIGHT-year-olds Abercrombie & Fitch was trolling? Ugh.

VS claims Pink is marketed to the co-ed 19 year olds, but all the glitter and rhinestones, a pink dog logo, and stuffed animal displays belies their claims. Pink to me is the entry drug that leads young girls early and quickly to the more provocative garments (and their accompanying behavior) in their store.

For the love of Mike, does anyone else have a problem with a lingerie shop marketing to pre-teens with underwear saying, "I get around" and getting little girls to "like" their selling of the slut lifestyle?

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Latest @#$%@#$ CafeMom Post

LinkYep, it's proven.

The F-Bomb is the bomb for making life's little pain bearable. Read more here.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Tuesday Night Too Stinking Cute [VIDEO}

<br/><a href="http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/cute-penguin-tickled/1jr3lblfx?from=sp&src=v5:embed:&fg=sharenoembed" target="_new"title="Cute Penguin Tickled">Video: Cute Penguin Tickled</a>

Ahhh so cute. Just like my babies. Don't you wish they all stayed so cute with wiggly little butts rather than sassy mouths and rolled eyes. Yep, teenagers? Not so cute. Heh!

Thank to my brother for sending this my way. He's just a year or two shy from surviving all of his kids' teenagers year--or what I call the ligh at the end of the tunnel. Heh!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Marriage: In Which I Appreciate Cheese in My Teeth Or Reason #154,696 Why I Love Him

My marriage rocks. It does. So much that my husband will tell me if I have cheese in my teeth. I mean who else would do that? Seriously.

Yes, a good friend would tell you if your fly was open or if you have a little something hanging off of your nose, but would they tell you that a floss was in order? I doubt it. They might avoid eye contact. They might even say something if it was really gnarly like spinach, but cheese?

I do not think so.

Without him and this reason #154,696 why I love him, I'd probably be walking around with burrito teeth all day. He'd also probably be sad if I didn't throw at least an eye roll an hour at him. Heh!

I love you, CG!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Motherhood: Raising Daughters in Despicable Times

Just when I relax a bit as a mother of a gorgeous baby girl, something comes along that whacks me up side of my head.

Could it be the reports of a woman raped in an airport with no bystanders coming to her aid?

Might it have been the report of a mere SEVEN year old girl getting plastic surgery because of bullying?

Both those cases send shivers up my spine as a mom who just wants to protect her beautiful daughter.

However, most likely, it was this:

Yes, this is actually being sold in 21st century America. It breaks my heart.

My friends, we justifiably gasp at the horrors done to women in the Middle East, but please don't let down your guard here. I am guilty of it because I live in an educated, wonderful, enlightened community in the Seattle area. We just don't seem to have that kind of evil here. I didn't see it much in California, but my short stint for the Army in the south? Sadly, I saw many a confederate flag. However, these stickers just seem so much worse.

Yes, here America, we still have work to do. I want my daughter to be able to marry whomever she loves--any race and any gender--when she grows up and not worry where she should live to be safe from other's judgments and hate.

Don't you wish the same for every girl?

Thursday, April 14, 2011

CafeMom's The Stir: Drunk Driver With 50th Criminal Charge Given Bail

My latest Op/Ed piece at The Stir:


My friends, when do we say enough is enough? FIFTY lifetime charges and this waste of DNA gets bail? Ugh!

We, as a society, have our priorities incredibly misplaced. Prison is about punishment and justice, not rehabilitation and prisoner's rights.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Life: Unworldly Double Chocolate Peanut Butter Chunk Cookie Recipe

Don't you want one?

Yes, these are some amazing cookies we made as a family a few days ago. We generally are a chocolate chip cookie family, but we saw this amazing easy recipe on Amanda's Cookin' (Love Amanda!!) just as my daughter was begging for a family activity.

Everyone helped. Usually, I am the cookie maker in the family. However, I was in a Little Red Hen mood. If you don't pitch in to help make it, you don't get to eat it. The boys were quickly induced to start measuring ingredients. Heh! Many hands make light work and these cookies were literally in the oven 5-6 minutes later.

One other thing about me. I have never met a good recipe that I haven't adapted in some way. It's just the way I roll.

In this case, more chocolate to drizzle, more texture with chunky peanut butter, dark brown sugar, and bigger--waaaay bigger. Texas big.

Double Chocolate
Peanut Butter Chunk Cookies

1/2 cup shortening
3/4 cup chunky peanut butter
1 1/4 cups firmly packed dark brown sugar
3 tbsp milk
1-1/2 tbsp vanilla
1 egg
1 1/4 cups all purpose flour
1/2 cup cocoa
3/4 tsp salt
3/4 tsp baking soda
1/2 cup chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Or 350 degrees in convection oven.

Combine shortening, peanut butter, brown sugar, milk and vanilla in large bowl. Beat with stand mixer at medium speed until well blended. Add egg. Beat just until blended. Combine flour, cocoa, salt and baking soda. Add to creamed mixture at low speed. Mix just until combined.

Drop by large cookie/ice cream scoop onto silpat baking sheet (or ungreased cookie sheet). This made twelve large cookies for us with a little to spare to nibble on.

Flatten in crisscross pattern with tines of fork. This is a good job for the kiddos. Bake for 8-9 minutes, or until set. Cool 5 minutes on baking sheet.

Melt chocolate chips on high for 1 minute to 1 minute 30 seconds. Start at one minute and then stir with fork and put back in microwave, as needed, in 10 second increments stirring each time. When thin and runny, drizzle on cookies with fork, flicking wrist.

Enjoy. They even improve the second day. Mmmmm peanut butter chocolate? Is there any better combination?

Important: Don't forget the milk!!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Life: Lulu The Rescue Cat

Meet the newest member of the Scouty household: LuLu !!

She is a beautiful 11 year old rescue. The friendliest cat I have ever met. I could swear she was a dog. Can you tell I have always identified as a dog person?

We went in to look and as always when I have entered a shelter, came away with a lifelong member. Thank you, Seattle Humane Society for keeping her safe until she found a place in our heart.

Her flaw that made her owner of 11 years give her up? She wasn't good with using her kitty box after a move. Do you blame her? Anyway, we are all in love. Well, all of us, but the pooch who has yet to meet her.

Aren't kitties to eat? Nom, nom?

Seb has never lived with a kitty. Lulu has never lived with a dog.

For now, she is quarantined with pink bed, pink toys, and purple accessories in my daughter's room. We've been advised to wait a week or two, until they notice and become curious about each other through the door.

They have met once through the door. Seb was oblivious, but Lulu not too excited by the crazy sounds she was making. Seb is lucky that Lulu had a door and declawed front paws or something tells me that cute strawberry nose would have been shredded.

So crossing my fingers that they figure it out. Any advice for kitty box training or introducing dogs? I'd love any help we could get!!

PS There is a very long story that involves parenting ridiculous-ness as to why my daughter earned a kitty, but that is a long story for another time. Stay tuned...

Friday, April 8, 2011

Teenagers: Much have you to learn...

My teenager is watching TV tonight. A Cialis Ad for erectile dysfunction comes on.

Eldest: Whoa! 'Seek help if you have an erection for 4 hours??'

We look over at him. {eyebrows raised} He has our attention.

Eldest: I consider it an emergency if I have an erection longer than 10 minutes.

Us, His Parents: Bwahahahaha

Oh, ho young padawan.

The Force is not yet within you strong.

Much have you to learn...

Note: Yes, I have my son's express permission to write about this--that's the way we roll!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Smoking Kills

Smoking Kills.

This is what I want to impart to my kids. Addiction makes you do stupid, stupid stuff.

I suffer from my own addictions, so I know. This story though was so preventable and it breaks my heart that three kids don't have a father anymore.

Life: Somebunny's Heart is Too Soft

Our yearly visitor has appeared! Yes, a wittle bunny. Every year, they come around spring and stay the summer in our backyard. In May, we usually have wee kits whose ears don't reach the length of the grass.

I was just despairing to my mom the other day that there had been no sightings then, bam! There she was munching on my tulips. She was too fat and sassy to be a wild rabbit, unless....bunnies!!

I know, most people would see a tulip munching wabbit as a pest. Not here. Here they have a sanctuary and if that means they need some of my bulbs? So be it.

The squirrel that eats my grass seed in our garden shed all winter long agrees. Like a Motel 6, I leave the light on for him.

My neighbors may use bee-bee guns and traps to catch the opossums, rabbits, woodpeckers, and raccoons, but call me some crazee-y Snow White. I luvs 'em.

I hear there are coyotes and bears in the vicinity. Sweet!

Honestly, after all the forests and habitats that have been torn down up here in bear country on Seattle's Eastside, these critters deserve some consideration, not poison.

They were here first.

Now, here's the conundrum. What to do if I ever get a mole or gopher? Those guys are so freaking cute! I am sure our house would collapse under their tunnels before I harmed them.

I know. It's ridiculous. I can't help myself. I released mice from glue traps my roommates set out in my college apartment. My mom even let me keep a wild baby mouse for weeks in a jar that we found when I was a child. Hello, hanta virus anyone?

Good news? I do draw the line.

Rats? They've only happened once when we lived in a community that became overcome with arctic roof rats. Ugh! Yes, with a heavy heart, I called the poison guy.

What do you do with your garden critters?

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Motherhood: For the Love of Pete & Dysentery

I am a super mom.

Yep. Su-perrr.

I gave up my fastidious nature that some might call OCD with triumph. I gave over the responsibility of the kids' bathroom to them. I was teaching them independence.

No enabler here. Responsibility was a life lesson--I read it in all the parenting mags so it must be so.

It became their full responsibility a few months back. It seemed to be going well.

So well, for the love of Pete, I ceased spot checking.

This. Was. A. Mistake.

My first clue was the amount of toilet paper being consumed in the downstairs bathroom.

Puzzled, I wondered had they forgotten they had a more convenient commode upstairs? Yet I didn't catch on that, perhaps, all was not well on the home front.

Nope, no one ever called me quick in picking up on my parenting mistakes.

Yep, parenting mistakes--I has 'em. We all do.

So along comes spring break and I happen to smell an odor. We will call it eau d'honey bucket. A je ne sais quoi odoriferous experience...oh just along the lines of visiting the freaking gorillas at the zoo.

Ever the vigilante, su-peeeer mom, I rallied. I investigated and found the most horrific site ever beholden in the land of plumbed bathrooms.

It seems several WEEKS BACK --YES, WEEKS I SAY WITH ALL THE HYSTERIA CAPS CAN IMPART-- one of the kids plugged the toilet yet again. My husband usually takes care of it. Apparently, he was tired of the plugs and no one telling him immediately. So he, IN HIS INFINITE WISDOM, let it stay plugged until someone fessed up.

Suffice it to say, our adorable mad shitter did not fess up. In the meantime, a certain younger child continued to use those facilities. Use them he did, until our suburban commode was turned into all the archaeological layers of a pitt toilet.

Apparently, the demise of a working order throne, encouraged my young denizens to stop all cleaning. I turned around and screamed again. There was mold growing in the shower. We live in Seattle people. It's moist here. Vigilance is key to fighting back--back I say--the flora and fucking fauna of our emerald isle. Black mold had invaded their shower.

Every crevice. crack. and tile. Even the shower head was moldy, streaming down unspeakable fungus on their wee noggins.

I screamed. I admit, I freaked. I instructed the kids in a very terse, tight, and barely controlled voice how to unplug the toilet. I then supervised them cleaning ever single freaking inch of that bathroom.

Every. single. inch. Yes, I channeled my basic training drill sergeants. They were my chain gang and I was their warden with a shotgun...errr....bottle of su.perrr bleach.

THREE hours with three cranky scullery maids later, every baseboard, sink, crevice, crack, and mirror sparkled. Every blasted drawer and under cabinet space was emptied. Every shampoo bottle and toothpaste tube disinfected.

My friends? I think they realized the errors of their ways. My teenager and two preteens have realized their mom was once enlisted. Drill Mommy had them on their hands and knees cleaning the spills around the commode. Comet was their weapon. On their hands and knees they would love, until every germ was obliterated.

...And that, my friends, is how I saved my kidlets from dysentery and learned never to trust teens with personal cleanliness again.

Thank you. I humbly take my bow.

Images via mali mish, kidicarus222, liquidnight/Flickr and Google.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Parenting: Spring Break, Waffles, and Sparkle Toes

My son just ate FOUR Eggo waffles, swimming in syrup and wallowing in peanut butter.

Between huge bites, he tells me his next course will be a gigantic bowl of cereal.

Yes, Spring Break. We are not going anywhere and yet, I still don't think it's going to be cheap.

Good news?

I saved fifty bucks and did my own pedicure before 8 AM. I polished, buffed, filed, and adorned.

In fact, I was showered, dressed, suitably cosmetically covered and was laconically sipping coffee before the first of my termagants raised their wittle bitty heads off their pillows, with plans to bicker and tease and damage walls with balls--you know--just like yesterday.


Yes, the good news is Spring Break makes for peaceful mornings and sparkle toes. Now if only it would stop @#$%^ raining in Seattle. These flip flops haven't seen sun...ever!

I want to get my flip-flop tan on. Thanks to Whit, I'm dreaming of California where my husband is on a business trip. 80 degrees there and 40's here. Wah!

Note to Self: Buy stock in Kellogg's and research real estate to dream about in Southern California.

Update: Houston, we have a problem. We finished off a huge box in four days.
We are out of waffles. I repeat. We. Are. Out. of. Waffles.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Motherhood: Dirty Scrabble Wars & 'Hoes

We are a Scrabble family. We love it. We play it on vacation. We play it on holidays. We can be pretty competitive, but it's mostly for fun. We also occasionally play "cheat" scrabble where we look up words. It's a fantastic way to learn new words for both the kids and even adults.

Hence we learned the word quim. Yes, look it up if you dare. Holy crap. I made that one up. I was challenged and oh, lordy, did we learn a new word.

Yep, in the quest for points, we get some interesting words.

For instance, my nine year old put down "woes," last Monday's game. All good. Nothing to raise an eyebrow at, right? Then he sighs dramatically.

Li'l Man: "I wish I had an 'H.' Then I could have put down 'hoes.'"

My husband laughed and said, "You mean like a tool you use in the garden?"

Li'l Man: "Nope, like women." He laughs.

Oh. My. Gott.

This one I blame on his teenage brother's inappropriate jokes or maybe my husband's music. Seriously, Beastie Boys and 50 Cent are banned...as soon as I stop laughing.

We played another game before lunch on Tuesday. My nine year old spelled, "twat."

I kid you not.

I tried to get him to change it after I explained it was a naughty word. Nope, not having it. Even when I challenged, it turns out it is officially a word according to the dictionary which has always been our rule.

Then, my eleven year old daughter, looking at his letters, counseled him to use "C-U-M." I gasped. She looked up innocently.

PB: "What?"

Me: "Do you know what that means?"

PB: "No, but now you need to tell me."

I hemmed and hawed then finally said ejaculation. Than she burst into laughter.

PB: "My health teacher is Mrs. Cum-mings."

Then my teenager son came down from his cave bedroom. PB runs up to him.

PB: "Did you know what cum means? "

His face?

Priceless. Blushing. Embarrassed even. That never happens.

So much for learning new words here? I think we opened a whole can of worms that will be hard to stop. It's official. We have ruined our kids! I didn't even learn the word twat until I was in my 20's.

I think they are trying to shock me into an early grave. I grew up in a very conservative, religious family.

Is this what kids do? Are they just exploring for boundaries? I definitely think there will be new house rules that known naughty words equal negative points.

Note to self: Don't use "crap" like I did last game.

Parenting: Absorbative Minds, Curious George & Barium Enemas

My youngest son inquired about the new vanilla soy milk in the fridge yesterday. He tries it and, not surprisingly, he likes it. No surprise there. He likes new foods.

Thank bejesus my teenager was not around for once to tell him soy causes boys to grow huge boobs. He does that. Always the instigator of drama, God bless his little teenage angst heart.

Back to Li'l Man, the conversation takes a huge sidebar.

Li'l Man: I like this, but I don't think I like thin liquids.

[I'm slightly distracted, tapping on laptop at the breakfast table]

Me: Ummm...okay.

Li'l Man: I mean, I don't think I'd like barium.

Me: Mmmmmhmmm....wait. What?

Him: I don't think I'd like barium.

Me: Barium?

Him: Yes, barium.

Me: Barium?

He sighs, as always, with my lacking ability to keep up with a nine year old's thoughts and my predisposition to repeat his words like a monkey.

Him: Yes, barium.

Me: As in that stuff for enemas?

Him: What's an enema?

Me: Never mind. As in barium the stuff you drink for x-rays??

Him: Yes, I don't think that would be very tasty.

Me: Where on Earth did you find out about barium??

Curious George Goes to the HospitalHim: Curious George.

Me: [Slaps Head] Of course you did!

Yes, of course that's what he would remember from a book that we haven't read since he was five. So amusing the stuff that kids absorb when we least expect it.

I wonder what he's absorbing now that he'll ask me about when he's a teenager. I can only imagine the talking points...

Hopefully it does not revolve around enemas.

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