On Health and Truths: Depression
Taken months ago
Taken yesterdayI'd forgotten I'd taken the first photo until today. Yet, they seem so apropos. Last autumn, as leaves were turning a crisp auburn, I was euphoric on finally taking a healthy direction in my life. I had my uterine ablation and was hopeful that slashed a huge issue weighing heavily on my body. Another cortisone shot fixed my hand, albeit temporarily, adding another slash on my list of priorities. Reaching out to my doctor, medication was prescribed to help gastric reflux. Slash again.
At the time of the first photo, I was gaining momentum. Not healthy, still shaky, but on the right track. I was getting to the bottom of my health problems...
Now? Now I feel cold, numb. Now the symptoms, the fogginess, the depression, the memory loss still exist and after labs, endoscopies, mega doses of iron and vitamin D,and biopsies, I only know what it's not.
Not Sjogrens. Not Thyroid disease. Not Celiacs.
But I don't know what it is.
I have neurology appointments and biopsies for my inflamed liver in my future. My hand inflammation is back. The last cortisone shot was my last. Hand surgery was warned last time. In the meantime, I fallen off the precipice of hope and sunk into an abyss of self-loathing again.
I've taken to spending my days in depression on the couch. My house is a catastrophe. My head is a mess. My mind whirls on everything I need to do and then shuts down. I wear pajamas most days. All day. I am a disappointment to me. A failure to my family.
Weight loss thoughts seem far from my reach when I can't even seem to get off the couch. The only pleasure I take lately is from television and eating...and you can tell from my Instagram posts and the scale.
Yep, comfort food. Self-soothing. Self-medicating. Then comes self-hatred.
I've been faking life. Faking happiness. Faking success.
I went to a Hallmark event for bloggers yesterday. Surrounded by other bloggers, I pasted a smile I didn't mean on my face. One exercise suggested was to write our personal truth on a T-shirt.
This is what came to my mind
One of the Hallmark writers queried how blogging made us vulnerable. Well this is me.
So I hope you don't mind that I took my own advice. This is not a post on delicious food nor humorous anecdotes. No self-deprecation making light of being a ditsy mother. It's not an inspiration nor humorous. I am sharing me and where I am at this point.
After that event, I had lunch with my husband and then I came home and put back on my pajamas at 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
Theodore Roosevelt once said, "Comparison is the thief of joy." As I compare those pictures, I wonder how one can steal that which never was.
At the time of the first photo, I was gaining momentum. Not healthy, still shaky, but on the right track. I was getting to the bottom of my health problems...
Or so I thought.
Now? Now I feel cold, numb. Now the symptoms, the fogginess, the depression, the memory loss still exist and after labs, endoscopies, mega doses of iron and vitamin D,and biopsies, I only know what it's not.
Not Sjogrens. Not Thyroid disease. Not Celiacs.
But I don't know what it is.
I have neurology appointments and biopsies for my inflamed liver in my future. My hand inflammation is back. The last cortisone shot was my last. Hand surgery was warned last time. In the meantime, I fallen off the precipice of hope and sunk into an abyss of self-loathing again.
I've taken to spending my days in depression on the couch. My house is a catastrophe. My head is a mess. My mind whirls on everything I need to do and then shuts down. I wear pajamas most days. All day. I am a disappointment to me. A failure to my family.
Weight loss thoughts seem far from my reach when I can't even seem to get off the couch. The only pleasure I take lately is from television and eating...and you can tell from my Instagram posts and the scale.
Yep, comfort food. Self-soothing. Self-medicating. Then comes self-hatred.
I've been faking life. Faking happiness. Faking success.
I went to a Hallmark event for bloggers yesterday. Surrounded by other bloggers, I pasted a smile I didn't mean on my face. One exercise suggested was to write our personal truth on a T-shirt.
This is what came to my mindOne of the Hallmark writers queried how blogging made us vulnerable. Well this is me.
Vulnerable.
So I hope you don't mind that I took my own advice. This is not a post on delicious food nor humorous anecdotes. No self-deprecation making light of being a ditsy mother. It's not an inspiration nor humorous. I am sharing me and where I am at this point.
After that event, I had lunch with my husband and then I came home and put back on my pajamas at 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
Depression.
Theodore Roosevelt once said, "Comparison is the thief of joy." As I compare those pictures, I wonder how one can steal that which never was.
13 comments:
Depression sucks, especially when you are overwhelmed by medical BS. Trust me, I know exactly where that is coming from.
All I can say is hang in there. I'm around to talk to if nothing else.
Beki
sending you a huge Minnesotan hug!!!! Keep that chin up of yours. Focus on the awesome things around you---Hubby, and your gorgeous three kids. (I know easier said than done.) Hang in there! Sunny days are coming!!! They always do!
Thinking of you. I've come to read your blog through Stumbles but now follow you on FB which led me here. Thank you for your honesty, I hope you find healing...somehow. Soon.
Thinking of you. I've come to read your blog through Stumbles but now follow you on FB which led me here. Thank you for your honesty, I hope you find healing...somehow. Soon.
I can feel your pain in your words. I hope you can find the answers to inner happiness. It's somewhere in there.
Never give up!
It makes complete sense to me that you would feel overwhelmed with depression when you haven't been able to discover the true source of what is wrong.
Try to give yourself a break and know that it is OK to feel this way and that it is reasonable to feel this way.
I wish you healing and a resolution to your health.
I don't suffer depression. I don't suffer inertia. I don't suffer a husband with bipolar: because I love him and I support him and I will do my utmost to help him stay well when he chemically cannot be well.
I do suffer the stigma of people who do not understand depression or why spouses stay with a depressed spouse. I do suffer the comments of well meaning friends who tell me to leave my husband. I do suffer the castration of society that pretends they are not depressed.
Stay in your pajamas and turn your eyes inward until you are ready to look outward again. You are still loved, respected and admired for the umpth you put into life, into covering things over and for your guts at periodically speaking your truth.
You rock, woman. YOU rock!....and so do your husband and kids.
Oh, girl. My heart hurts for you. It makes me feel better to know that YOU want to feel better, though. Don't give up on finding what will help...you WILL find it. Be good to yourself and take care of yourself. Depression just plain old sucks. I appreciate your honesty, though. Please know so many of us that read your blog are rooting for you to beat this. You will.
I'm so, so sorry to hear this. There's nothing I can say or do to make you all better, but believe me when I say that I really, really wish there were. WIshing you good health.
Sorry you feel so down in the dumps little sister. It really does happen to the best of us. I am feeling better after starting natural progesterone cream and daily supplements of Mg,Ca,Zinc, B complex, and cruciferous vegetable extract.(I was estrogen dominant and had my period for six months continuously last year) I suggest you read the books by Dr John Lee(what your doctor may not tell you about premenopause, etc). The fogginess and forgetfulness is hormone influenced. You may also have adrenal exhaustion. Most of our doctors don't use common-sense natural treatments because of their relationships with Big Pharma. It's worth it to research this and educate yourself.
Best,
Diane
I wish I knew what could help. I'd say to keep digging into your health issues because that's probably a big cause of your depression. Just know you have people wishing you the best. Sending aloha your way, Fran.
Thank you all so much. Last week was a real low point and reading all your supportive comments certainly helped. I spent the week-end watching my husband cook, savoring family time, getting a little exercise (which helped incredibly), and today is a better day. Doesn't hurt that we FINALLY have a sunny day in Seattle.
Again, heartfelt thanks! I appreciate you all!
Best,
Scout/Heather Murphy-Raines
I am so sorry you are struggling so, and hoping your medical issues resolve positively. Removing that weight would surely be a bit of a spirit lift.
As far as, the image most bloggers portray... we are mostly caricatures of ourselves and our lives. There are fleeting moments when our true faces pop out, generally at moments of extreme highs or lows, but how much can one expect from free admission.
Post a Comment