I had the distinct pleasure of having a case of the creepy crawlies all week. An outbreak of lice in the school will always do that to one. In fact, mention lice, ticks, fleas, crabs, mosquitoes or any disgusting manner of parasitic creepy crawly bits o' scary, and you will have the honor of seeing me magically transform into a Labrador.
|Seb has waaay more control over his itch-i-tude than I will ever have!!|
Yes, a Labrador. Scratch, scratch.
Ooooh so itchy. Fluff hair. Scratch some more. Check auburn hair part in mirror. Remaining convinced I feel something crawling, my husband of 16 years once again endures checking my head. And again. And again. Rinse. Lather. Repeat.
Has he ever found anything? Never. Neither I nor my family have ever had lice, ticks, or the rest. Does that deter me?
Abso-freaking-loutely not. Nope, it never stops the insistence that he checks.
A well meaning preschool teacher of one of my kid's once taught me the power to stop any lice in their tracks. The answer, my friends? Braid your hair and don't shower. LICE don't like dirty hair. They are picky! Soooo...Yes, when there is an outbreak in town, you can smell the granola of my family coming.
Do I care? Not one bit. Nor do the boys. Heh! Actually, now that they are older and competitive swimmers, the chlorine takes care of the task too. Knock on wood...
So BACK to MY CASE of the creepy-crawlies, this constant body check, mirror gazing, and leg smacking was the situation last week as I drove the rug rats once again to swim practice. Ugh. Itchy. Something crawling down my back and then up my arm. Trailing along my neck again.
Huge breath intake. Hold. Hold. No, it cannot be resisted. Insert Labrador.
I shake my body and hair. Any minute, I was going to start gnawing my shoulder off with my teeth. Finally, I pulled over and started a pat down more reminiscent of a self-flagellating attack.
Must. Kill. All. Imaginary. Buggies.
Then I felt it. A lump. A crackly shell of a body. I pull of my black sweater and underneath? For the love that is all holy underneath???
The biggest FREAKING BLACK spider I have ever seen. Yes, I will admit. My friends?
I. LOST. MY. SH#T!
No longer Labrador, I scream, jump out of car, shake, smack, hit, kill, bruise even and now? Now I am scarred for life.
Thank you spider for fulfilling my worst nightmare and instantly reliving the trail that your cold, vacant EIGHT black eyes had traveled over my body-- with my flailing palms.
I hate you and I usually like spiders. However, spiders on my neck, down my shoulder blades....stop! Stop!
I am feeling another Labrador situation coming on... I hate you!
Yes, I need a drink!