I Hate Myself as a Mother Right Now

He's lucky to have a big brother looking after him because his mother is useless...

I thought he had him. He thought I had him.

Turns out he was sleeping in unusually late.

He was left by himself in an empty house for 45 minutes this morning. I didn't realize until 20 minutes into the commute to get my eldest to swim practice that I wasn't sure who had him.

CG had taken PB to her early morning practice before we woke up. I called him in a panic and confirmed my fantastically huge error.

Yes, I am a fucktard mom. It's official. I could claim lack of sleep with an average of 3 hours a night this week. I could talk about being sick, but they are all excuses for something unexcusable.

I called home in a panic, hoping he'd pick up the phone, but no one answered. I tried over and over.

I hoped he'd still be asleep when I arrived home, but before I could get my keys out on the front porch, the lock clicked and the door opened.

Two teary, wounded blue eyes looked up at me in betrayal and then he crumpled into me. His little pudgy arms encircled my legs like they would never let go.

He made gaspy breaths.

His chest shuddered.

"Mommy, I was scared. I looked in every room for you."

My heart crushed. Yes, I left my little six year old boy entirely by himself while both CG and I were over 20 miles away.

My stomach churns as I think what could have happened. Fire. Burgulars. Accidents. Injuries.

I hate myself as a mother right now.

I live for my kids and, right now, I could just die for what I did. The guilt consumes me.